“These and other interpersonal skills all have the ability
to drastically affect the climate of one’s marriage
but
do not have the ability to insure the
health or longevity of marriage.”
That article (See article here) addresses
the essential, staple elements which, I believe, will help to promote the
longevity of any Christian marriage (whether 1 or both spouses are believers). This article, on the other hand,
addresses things that may not be essential for every marriage but has drastically
helped to promote the enjoyment and fulfillment (climate) of our marriage - based on the unique
combination of personalities, characteristics, abilities, experiences, love
languages, etc. that make up our
marriage. While the perspectives, practices and interpersonal skills explained
here may have the potential to profoundly improve the climate of most
marriages, I am convinced there could be marriages that are just as happy &
healthy which have their own approach that might be different than ours in some
or all of these ways. Just as I do not claim these lessons will apply to every
person in every marriage in existence, I also do not claim to have arrived from
student to teacher in this area. I am sure I will continue to tweak and expand
this list, just as I will continue to learn and grow throughout the remainder
of my life.
Contents:
- Understanding what love is
- The importance of marrying a
believer
- Growing together versus growing
apart (Spiritual Unity/Communication)
- Importance of confronting each
other when there is conflict
- Getting Help in Conflict
- Sex
- Importance of Establishing
Boundaries
- Dating after Marriage
- Don’t expect your spouse to know what you want/need
- Get on the same team
- An act of submitting versus an attitude of submission
1. Understanding what
love is.
While dating, Tad & I read and discussed C.S Lewis’
description of the various types of love. When we got married, although we had
overcome a minor conflict or two during our courting/engagement, it was
difficult to imagine a time when I would not feel overwhelmed by my love for him. However, we knew that the kind
of love that would sustain a marriage is the kind that is not a feeling but an
action verb. We knew our commitment to obedience to God in relation to marriage
is what would enable us to remain committed to our marriage. There was no
illusion about the feeling of love
persisting continually or that if it waned then the marriage must be over. That
is why the honeymoon phase is called a phase, because the “in love” feeling is
certainly not perpetual or consistent.
To understand what real love is, we must know God, Who
defines love both by His character and His Word. Because the marriage relationship is a
picture of Christ’s relationship with His bridegroom–the church, husbands must seek
to learn from Him how to love and lead their wife as Christ loves the
church.
Love is not just an emotion, but is also an action (1 Cor 13
paints a picture of this idea). To love
someone is to treat them with love, whether we’re feeling loving feelings for them at that moment or not. These
principles have helped our marriage: Never stop dating each other and getting
to know each other better, even (and especially) in the midst of the busyness
of raising children. Seek God together. Pray together. Enjoy one another. Commit yourself to communication. Make time for communication. Air on the side of overcommunicating. Excel in the ability to deal with conflict. These, from my perspective, are essential for
a healthy, happy marriage..
2. The importance of
marrying a believer.
It is so, so common for a person to marry someone who calls
themselves “Christian” and who is involved in a church/ministry, but who they
later find does not love God. Our modern culture’s “Christians” have a whole
realm of beliefs and many, if not most, of those beliefs reveal they are NOT
Bible-believing, God-fearing, Christ-loving, committed Christians. Marriage is
very hard; Tad & I cannot fathom how any marriage survives when the two
people are not Christians who are
living for Him.
Certainly only God can see the heart and truly knows if a
person belongs to Him or not. However, we can know a tree by its fruit (Mt
12:33). Being “good” doesn’t make a person a Christian. Being involved in a church and in ministry
doesn’t make a person a Christian. Identifying yourself a “Christian” doesn’t
make a person a Christian. Believing that Jesus is God’s son (and that belief,
alone) doesn’t even make a person a Christian (Jas 2:19). But by getting to
know a person’s character through their actions, as well as getting to know a
person through conversations about a person’s faith and theology (doctrine) and
theological/spiritual questions/hang-ups, etc., as well as seeking God’s
guidance, we can usually (perhaps not always, but usually) know if they fear
God and truly love Him. Look to marry a 1 Pet 4:1-2 person…and 2 Tim 2:15; Rom
12:1 and Acts 20:24.
Our friends will influence us in more ways than we can know,
and our spouse even more so (Gal 6:1; Pr 13:20; I.
Cor 5:9-11; 2 Timothy 3:1-5; 2 Timothy 2:22; 1
Cor 15:33). If he/she does not love God and
live for Him, she, as the husband’s “helper” or he, as the wife’s spiritual
leader will not be capable of helping us pursue God and becoming the man/woman
He has created us to be. If our purpose in life is to fear God and keep His
commandments, to serve 1 God-the only true God, to love God with all our heart,
mind, soul, and strength, and to love others as ourselves, then how can we even
begin to do that if our goals are not the same (Mk 3:25)? We become one with
our spouse (Gen 2:24; Eph 5:31). If we have different goals for our lives, we
as a married couple, who are meant to be one, are actually divided right at the
core (Mt 12:25-26). How can we become the person God created us to be,
fulfilling the purposes for which God created us, if we are yoked together with
temptation and disunity (II. Cor 6:14)? Sanctification is the process of God molding
us into His likeness. As we continue along that path, we will only grow farther
apart from (and more unlike) our spouse if he/she is not also a Christian being
sanctified. But if he/she is a believer, we will grow closer to our spouse as
we grow closer to God.
We must study and heed the many warnings throughout
scripture about marrying a pagan wife/spouse.
Fear God and obey Him because He disciplines His sons (& daughters)
whom He loves (Pr 3:12; Heb 12:6). Trust
Him and His undying love for you (Pr 3:5-8).
God created marriage and designed it to be a place of oneness and unity
and to be a picture of Christ’s relationship with His bridegroom, the church
(Eph 5:21-33. Through marriage God
teaches us so much about Himself. Pray that God will choose your spouse for you
as you are seeking first His kingdom and His righteousness (Mt 6:33) and
seeking to love God and live for Him.
3. Growing together
versus growing apart (Spiritual Unity/Communication).
God has us each on our own journey of sanctification and it
may not always be at the same pace as our spouse. Many, many couples find that
one grows spiritually in huge spurts while the other isn’t, or that one is learning
things the other isn’t. Tad & I have rarely gone through Bible study books
together or read the Bible together consistently, just the 2 of us. Prior to
having kids, we were in Bible studies and community groups together, where we
were learning and growing together. Since having kids, we quickly found that
children provide a distraction/disruption in that type of setting and groups
began meeting guys with guys and girls with girls. So why have we, unlike
soooooo many couples we know about, not felt a significant spiritual distance
between us? The common factor amongst those couples seems to be a lack of
communication. In some cases it might be a lack of viewing communication as a
priority or as valuable. In other cases it might be a lack of time from busy
schedules. In other cases it might be a lack of knowing how or what to talk
about. And in other cases it might be an unwillingness to share feelings or
confront difficulties. Tad & I talk…about everything, ESPECIALLY the Bible
and doctrine and spiritual issues and sermons and biblical application to life
in any aspect.
In Joshua 1:8 we read, “This Book of the Law…but you shall meditate on it day and night”. In
marriage, we can do this as one, unified body. As we spend time meditating on
it, we can then process it together and share our thoughts and questions with
each other.
One of the important & overlooked roles of a husband is in Eph 5. In the middle of
instructing husbands to love their wives sacrificially and instructing them to
love their wives as themselves (as their own bodies), we have verses 26 &
27: “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water
with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor,
without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without
blemish.”
One of the important & overlooked roles of the wife is in Gen 2:18 & 20, that the
wife was created to be her husband’s “helper”.
Even though we, too, in our marriage have experienced spiritual
growth while the other isn’t or have experienced phases of consistency in the
Word or prayer while the other isn’t, we do talk about what we’re learning,
what we’re questioning, what areas we’re feeling God challenging/convicting us,
etc.. I think this, in retrospect, has helped the one who is learning/growing
to encourage the other to learn and grow in the same ways, because we process
things, meditate on things, and learn things as we talk about it together.
4. Importance of confronting
each other when there is conflict.
We can trust people to do one thing: sin. At some point or
another there will come a time when we will be hurt or offended by our spouse
because we are dealing with a sinner, just as we, ourselves, are sinners. Tad
& I got married with the understanding that our spouse would inevitably
disappoint us, sooner or later. We knew our spouse would sin, and no matter how
big or how small the sin, our marriage commitment would not be contingent on
it, just as God’s commitment to forgive us and love us is not contingent on our
sins, big or small.
One of the most important skills we will ever learn is how
to handle conflict, because it is an inevitable, unavoidable part of life. Expect that you will marry a person who is a
sinner, who will inevitably, at some time or another, disappoint you, hurt you,
and offend you. How you respond to him/her
during those times is crucial. Despite
how you may feel after having your heart broken, know that God is big enough to
heal even the most broken of hearts. When storms come, and they will come in
every relationship we will have, trust that God knows the best way to handle
conflict and follow the guidelines he has set for how to approach it. Study verses about conflict, confrontation,
gossip, loving your enemies, vengeance, etc.
Study the Biblical Accountability part in my document entitled: Bible.conflict.confrontation.accountability.doc.
Study my article “Christians in Conflict”. God’s principles for handling
conflict should be trusted and followed, even when they seem impossible to
follow or incapable of resolving the conflict.
Take seriously the vow you make to your husband/wife before
God and your witnesses, and let your yes be yes (Jas 5:12). Tad & I believe prenuptial agreements
work to prepare a couple for divorce; if you do, divorce will be
inevitable. If a person approaches
marriage with a plan for how to go about divorcing the person, then every time
any conflict occurs, divorce is one of the options for how to handle the
conflict. Tad & I agree divorce should not be an option, should not be
suggested, threatened, or spoken at all. When conflict has an easy way out, why would
anyone choose the hard route and confront it and put the work - the hard work -
into getting through it? You cannot cut your body in half and continue
living. In the same way, you become one
flesh with your spouse in many ways, and, even though God gives a few
exceptions (because of people’s hardness of heart), He intends the marital
relationship to never be broken. Adam and Eve were created before sin, before
death entered the world, and were intended to live forever, being married
forever. Do not divorce your spouse but
do everything in your power to live at peace and honor your marriage vow, even
if it means temporary separation or biblical counseling (Rom 12:18; Heb
12:14). Although divorce is some times
permissible, it may not be beneficial,
for your spouse or you (1 Cor. 10:23).
(See article: A Christian Facing Conflict)
Once married, a man is yoked together with his wife (Heb 13:4; Mk 10:2-9). A husband is to sacrifice himself for his wife just as
Christ did for the church (Eph 5). If the wife is indulging in sin (sin against
God, her husband, her self, or anyone else) is the husband excused from the
marriage? No; he is responsible to wash her with the Word and present her
without spot or wrinkle or blemish, therefore confronting the source of her
unreconciliation with God (sin) (Eph 5:25-33). If the husband is indulging in
sin (any sin), is the wife excused from the marriage? No; she is responsible to
fulfill the role for which God created her, to be “helper” to her husband (Gen
2:18). One significant way she can do this is by confronting her husband with
the message of reconciliation (2 Cor 5:11-21). Permission to divorce is not
commanded but offered in the case of adultery (Mt 5:32; Mt 19:9). Adultery is a
sin that is intended to have serious consequences and will have, in some cases,
eternal repercussions (1 Cor 5:9-11; 1 Cor 6:9,18; Eph 5:5). What more crucial
opportunity is there to extend the message of reconciliation? Permission to
divorce in this case is given because of man’s hardness of heart, but it is
God’s will that, once made “one flesh”, they will never separate (Mt 19:3-9; Mk
10:2-12).
5. Getting Help in
Conflict.
When you have difficulty overcoming conflict at times, we
believe in going together in humility to seek the help of another Christian couple. We are one, so we think we ought to approach
problems as “our” problem, not “her” problem or “his” problem. Working through our issues is the only
option; we refuse to avoid them. We refuse to give the devil a foothold and are
determined to preserve a healthy marriage. We believe we should let nothing
come between us and that we ought to prioritize a healthy marriage above all
other earthly relationships, jobs, even ministry to those outside of our
marriage. After all, marriage is the
picture we present to unbelievers (and to our children) of Christ and His
church.
Are we living as the body of Christ or as a private unit,
self-sufficient, giving but never allowing help to be given, never appearing to
need any help?
This is where Christian friends come into the picture. The
Biblical counseling (a specific type/method of Christian counseling) website, http://www.ccef.org/choosing-christian-counselor,
says Step 2 in finding a counselor is:
“2. Seek counsel from your
church. If you belong to a church, seek the
counsel of your pastor (Heb. 13:17) and other church leaders, as well as wise,
trustworthy Christian friends. Will they help you? Can they recommend someone
who can? The Bible says there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors (Prov.
11:14; 15:22; and 24:6). If you do not belong to a church, seek the counsel of
godly, Bible-believing Christians. They may be able to recommend wise and godly
pastors who can help shepherd you.”
Tad
and I wholeheartedly agree. As pro-counseling (biblical counseling) as we are,
we also believe that it may not need to come to that. The Bible and the counsel
of the Holy Spirit in us and in our Christian brothers & sisters is sufficient. Not everyone will “need”
to pay a professionally-trained counselor if we are utilizing the relationships
we ought to have within the church with our God-fearing, Bible-believing
brothers and sisters in Christ. We need to be humble enough (and prioritize
healthy marriage enough) to pursue help, because we will all need it at one
point or another…or many. The many verses in scripture about seeking godly
counsel and utilizing the spiritual gifts of the body of Christ, as well as the
verses about things hidden in darkness convinces me that we ought to allow
light to shine in the dark, hidden areas of our marriage by going (*together)
to seek help from another believer(s). During the times when we have gone
around and around on an issue and hit a dead end with no progress made, we have
met with another couple to talk through an issue so that we could get the outside
perspective/correction of other believers as well to benefit from their biblical
insight/wisdom. Sometimes it’s informal and the subject is brought up when
hanging out with others, other times it has been explained in advance that
we’re asking for the meeting to discuss something specific and we explain how
we hope they will help. Our marriage has been blessed by putting this into
practice.
6. Sex
Like everything else, God also created sex. In the Old Testament of the Bible, God
considers a person as “married” when they “lay with” one another, as it is
described throughout the Old Testament. There doesn’t have to be a legal
ceremony for God to view someone as married. There doesn’t even have to
be spoken vows; they simply “lay together” and from that point on are
considered by God to be “husband & wife”. God created sex with the
intention that the binding, unconditional, undying commitment of marriage will
accompany sex. It can only be all the
wonderful and amazing things God designed it to be if it is a selfless, loving
act done within the confines of a marriage commitment. It is not an act of love when you subject a person
(and yourself) to the countless damaging repercussions of extramarital sex (sex
with someone to whom you are not married).
God’s command to practice self-control, like all of His commands, is for
our benefit and is out of love for us. He doesn’t want us to commit extramarital sex
(adultery) because He wants to protect us from destroying ourselves. “He
who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself” (Prov 6:32). The greatest gift we can give our spouse is our
virginity. Before God provides a man
with his wife, he is to treat girls as sisters, with absolute purity (1 Tim
5:1-2). When tempted, think about the
example you are setting for your future children and give them hope that they
may, too, be able to follow your example and avoid the heartache and the
physical & mental slavery that it inevitably condemns you to.
One regret Tad & I have is not
having a shorter engagement. Now granted, we were somewhat older than many when
we got married. We had also been grounded in our faith for quite some time by
the time we began our relationship. We knew we wanted to marry someone who
lived out their faith, who was committed to God, and who didn’t just call
themselves “Christians” but actually were. However, I found that when you
really know when God has provided the
“one”, the desire to be “one” becomes overwhelming to try to resist. It wasn’t
worth it. I wish we had a shorter engagement. I. Cor 7:36 says, “If anyone
thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions
are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no
sin.” All I can think about is how much I’d like to be able to say to my kids
when they get older, as I encourage & plead with them to remain sexually
pure, “you can do it; I did.” But I can’t.
Our society would identify me as a
virgin when I got married. I am not convinced God saw it that way. Sexual
activity and sexual intimacy IS sex, regardless of what form or to what degree.
If a paraplegic can’t have sex but can please his wife in a way that achieves
the fulfillment, pleasure and intimacy of sex, I feel sure they perceive that
as “sex”. I was sexually active enough to not be sexually pure.
In retrospect, I do not think a
public, formal “ceremony”, including our families, having the dress I wanted, even
the premarital counseling (in our case), etc. was worth the resisting, the
falling, the remorse, the failing again, the guilt, and the inability to set a
godly example for our children. There’s no reason we couldn’t have eloped &
had my grandfather perform the ceremony (sooner and without our immediate
families present) and celebrated with our family and friends at a reception at
a later time (this part we did; our reception was 6 weeks after our wedding).
The one thing I am grateful for
during our 3 ½ month engagement is the time we spent researching scripture and
meditating on the verses about the roles of husbands and wives as we wrote our
vows and specified those biblical roles in our vows. I like to think we also
benefitted significantly from our premarital counseling, but I don’t remember
any wow moments for us as we went through the study and sessions with the
couple who counseled us. That doesn’t mean that many people don’t have wow
moments or that I don’t think highly of premarital counseling; it’s just to say
that (for us) I’m not sure that it
was worth postponing our wedding.
In my experience, actual physical
intercourse is not the only premarital sexual act that has repercussions. For
me, sexual activity (regardless how much or little) prior to my husband has
haunted me throughout my marriage. It is a mental battle that requires putting
into practice “taking captive every thought and making it obedient to Christ”
(II. Cor. 10:5). My previous sexual experiences provide an opportunity for the
evil one to tempt me, mentally, even when my sex life is perfectly fulfilling
and not lacking in any way. I think a person will only fully understand the
repercussions of extramarital sex once they experience it, which makes it all
the more important to trust God in faith and stay as far away from it as
possible.
Extramarital means outside of the
confines of marriage (anyone you are not married to). Sexual activity IS sex. You can be married and be sexually active with
someone who is not your spouse, and you can be single and sexually active with
someone who is not your spouse - both are an act of adultery. Premarital sexual activity is the same as
extramarital sexual activity - both are adultery (i.e. infidelity).
There doesn’t even have to be a physical act for God to
consider a person an adulterer: a lustful look is even adultery. In Mt
5:27-28 Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not
commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has
already committed adultery with her in his heart.” To commit adultery “in
your heart” can take the form of sexual activity, a lustful look, or even the
kind of emotional intimacy that is only appropriate with a spouse. So, “above all else, guard your heart, for it
is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). You are not finding fulfillment and
satisfaction in your wife’s breasts if you are seeking to look at the breasts
of others (Pr 5:19 NIV). That verse was included in our vows and we realized
relatively recently that the act of looking for pictures on the internet of
not-so-modestly-clothed actresses and other famous people is the equivalent of
not being satisfied with a wife’s breasts, therefore breaking this marriage
vow.
To have a healthy and fulfilling sex life with your wife,
set an example for her by living out God’s precepts, not manipulatively so as
to get want you want out of it, but out of obedience, submission, trust, and
worship to God and out of selfless,
pure, godly love for your wife. Some of those precepts are: following
Christ’s example of being a servant leader; sacrificially loving your wife as
Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her; loving her as yourself, as
your own body; submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (Eph 5:
21-33, 1 Cor 13, Luke 6:31, Php 2). Pray
specifically about your sex life, that God will help you obey these and other
precepts that relate to your character and perspective; and apply these
principles in the bedroom. In the same
way that we love because Christ first loved us (1 John 4:19), Tad is a
servant-leader in bed which makes me want to love him in sacrificial, selfless,
serving ways in return. More than once
God has faithfully honored the prayers regarding sex that I have asked with
selfless motivation. Sometimes I have asked that He decrease my libido; other
times I ask for Him to increase my libido. God has blessed us with the most
amazing, exciting and fulfilling sex life. I feel strongly that husbands ought
to lead their wives to talk together about their sex life, to discuss each
person’s needs, desires, preferences, etc. and to be specific, as we have been.
Sure it can be awkward and uncomfortable at first, when engaged, going through
marital counseling and when 1st married. But it becomes easy and
second nature, even fun and enjoyable to discuss. I see communication in this
area as essential and have seen how the lack of it can destroy marriages. Its
not only important to talk about sex in order to be aware of each other’s needs
and desires, likes and dislikes, but also to be able to freely and honestly
decide together when you will and won’t. This is, perhaps, a daily conversation
and requires a level of comfort with the topic in order to have the
conversation so regularly.
A spouse can lead the other, by example, to have the
perspective that fulfilling their sexual needs is an awesome privilege. Have the
perspective (and lead your spouse to have the perspective) that you are the
only person on earth to whom God has given the role of fulfilling your spouse’s
sexual needs, as he/she is the only person on earth to whom God has given the
role of fulfilling your needs. Similarly, I want to be the only one fulfilling
my husband’s sexual fantasies. It’s one thing if he’s asking me to do something
that I am not comfortable with or that has questionable purity, but generally
speaking, if I’m not willing to fulfill his fantasies, do I want him to be
tempted by another woman is is
willing, perhaps even offering or suggesting it? God created sex to be exciting
and fun. Sure there are times when it is a little quick or routine-feeling.
Every time isn’t going to be the best sex ever. But if we are unwilling to hear
about our spouse’s sexual fantasies or explore them together, then we are
opening a door we’ll regret, that will invite temptation, and that may have the
potential of destroying the relationship. Self-control is difficult, especially
when it comes to sexual temptation, especially for men. I. Cor 7:5 makes it
very clear that abstaining without the guidelines specified in this verse opens
the door to temptation. We need to trust and submit in faith to God’s
guidelines and keep it (periods of abstinence) a short-lived, mutual decision
that is covered with prayer. We also need to be willing to share and listen to
our spouse’s hopes and desires regarding positions, scheduling versus
spontaneity, frequency, etc. If one is
not in agreement about abstaining at any given time, then out of selflessness
and humility, by all means lovingly
and humbly confront each other with I. Cor. 7:5, because abstinence should
always, only, be by mutual consent and for a limited time. Submission and
respect has a part in it, absolutely. However, all too often men are left
unsatisfied and feeling trapped and women are unwilling to talk about it or
submit to their husband’s preferences. We need to take with utmost seriousness
this role that God has given each spouse. We are created to be our husband’s
helper in the realm of sex, too.
I, personally, feel convicted that submission, in the area
of sexual intimacy, means a lot more than meets the eye. All Christians are
called to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21). Wives,
specifically, are to be submissive to their husbands because if we aren’t, we
enable the Word of God to be reviled (Tit 2:5). That’s a serious repercussion
of our sin. One area where women need to apply our calling to be submissive is
in the realm of our sex life. I have been convicted that I am not being submissive
if I do not initiate sex when I know Tad is wanting it but not asking for it.
If he mentioned it earlier in the day or if I can tell by his words or body
language (even if he’s not directly initiating), I know that I am not doing the
good I know I ought to do if I do not respond to it or even initiate the
discussion of whether or not he still desires sex (Jas 4:17).
Additionally, I have the perspective that being too tired is
never a reasonable excuse to refuse sex or make the request to not have sex. In
my experience, there’s nothing worse than being horny and married (therefore
free to satisfy that desire) but be left unsatisfied. I do not ever want that
for my husband. Not only that, but I do not ever
want for my husband to leave home (for work or what not) and be subjected to
the temptation I could have helped him to avoid if I had just been available to
him/his needs. Satisfying a man’s sexual needs takes infinitely less time than
it takes women (the “men are microwaves, women are crock pots” analogy is true
for me, at least). So for me to be unwilling to serve my husband for the (very)
few minutes it takes to satisfy him and help him to avoid temptation is, for
me, inexcusable. On the contrary, it is more than worth it, every time. To
clarify, in saying that I do not agree that being too tired is ever a
reasonable excuse to avoid sex does not
mean I do not honestly communicate it if I am feeling too tired. I simply
express that I’m willing but not wanting, or that I am horny and tired and am therefore
conflicted about what I’m wanting, or that I am happy to serve him but am too
tired to let him serve me. It doesn’t have to be some magical, passionate
experience every time. Many times the willingness despite interest is more
endearing and stimulating than the alternative. More on submission, see #11.
7. Importance of
Establishing Boundaries.
Tad & I set up guardrails (boundaries) in our
relationships with those of the opposite sex.
Proverbs 6:27-28 “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes
being burned? Can a man walk on hot
coals without his feet being scorched?” Wives/husbands,
do not arrogantly think you can allow yourself to enjoy looking at, thinking
about, fantasizing about, or having intimate conversations with a man/woman and
yet maintain self control. If we are
doing these things we have already failed, and continuing them will lead us to
physical and/or emotional infidelity. Failing mentally is quickly succeeded by
failing physically, whether it’s physically via masturbation, searching the
internet for sexual fulfillment, acting on an extramarital relationship, etc.. We
must take captive every sinful thought (II. Cor. 10:5). I desire to remove the
temptation before it even becomes a temptation. We can set boundaries, in this
area, so far back that we do not even allow the opportunity for temptation to
occur. The seriousness and repercussions of
sexual sin is set apart from other sin (I.
Cor. 6:18). We can not allow it to dangle in front of us because the temptation
will eventually come, no matter how strong our marriage is at the time. We should not ever think there is a sin that we are not capable of committing, or
else that pride will cause that to be the very area we will fail.
Here are some of the boundaries we have set up in our
marriage. We tell each other each time we have contact via phone or email with
one of our out-of-town friends of the opposite sex from the past. Maintaining
those friendships happens typically about once a year. When we see old friends,
we do not see them alone without each other or without the spouse of the
friend. When maintaining friendships with local friends from the past, the
friendship basically transfers, for instance, from me to Tad, if the friend is
a man, and I pursue a friendship with my friend’s spouse, instead. Contact and
initiative to spend time together is then done by Tad. We do not hang out with
friends of the opposite sex if the other is not present. We do not make a habit
of hanging out with each other’s family members of the opposite sex if the
other is not present. We tell each other about our conversations when we do
talk with or spend any time with each other’s family members of the opposite
sex. If we need to have an email conversation with a friend of the opposite sex,
we copy the emails to each other and, often, to the spouse of the friend. At
work, Tad does not pursue personal conversations with female co-workers and has
even avoided them when appropriate at times. When conversations do happen about
personal things (like asking Tad for parenting advice), he tells me about the
details. When Tad noticed interest from a woman who works at our grocery store,
for instance, he switched to a different time/day when she wasn’t on the
schedule, when avoiding her wasn’t working. When I noticed interest in Tad by a
female neighbor who was intentionally pursuing time/conversations with him, he
avoided opportunities and left the ministering to this woman up to me.
Do we feel like we need
to do these things? No, and we are not legalistic about it. There are, at
times, exceptions. But we do these things by choice, out of respect for each
other, to avoid giving the appearance of evil, to be wise, and because we
recognize our sinfulness and capability of falling into temptation, so we seek
to avoid it (Rom 16:19, I. Thess. 5:22, etc.). We have not always recognized
when a friendship takes a turn toward “interest” but we have learned to trust
the intuition of each other and respect each other by changing our actions.
8. Dating after
Marriage.
We’ve learned that if we wait to schedule a babysitter until
after we feel the need for time out
together, then we tend to struggle in our relationship until we find a
babysitter who is free & get the time together that we need. As a result we
are too spontaneous in asking for a sitter & often have trouble finding one
for a few days if not a couple weeks. On the flip side, financially speaking,
we hesitate to schedule dates prior to feeling
the need for it, or having dates regularly (like 1x/wk, or 1x/ev 2 wks, or
whatever), because sometimes we’ve had a babysitter scheduled but didn’t feel a lack of Quality Time together or
a real need for it and could have
benefitted from saving that money. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Better to air
on the side of scheduling a date that didn’t feel necessary than to wait until we feel it but have to wait for it.
Sometimes we are able to predict when we might feel the need for a date. Here are some
of the telltale signs we’ve noticed: if we have out of town company, several
nights in a row that we’re out & about & busy in the evenings, when we
get back in town after a trip, if the kids are all home with me for an extended
time (i.e. not in school), if we start bickering and getting into small but
frequent arguments, etc.
Many friends feel they get the time together that they need
after their kids’ bedtime. Tad, for one, is sometimes too tired at that time of
night to have quality conversations (granted, our kids have a
later-than-average bedtime). So for us personally, (and this is not a commentary or judgment on others' marriages) I think marriage deserves a better shot than just
investing our leftovers - our leftover time after our busy day, our leftover energy,
our leftover attention which is inevitably distracted by the anticipation of (and
preparation for) the next day’s busyness. I don’t want Tad’s leftovers but his best (and I want him to have that of me),
his attentive hours when we can enjoy each other’s company, have fun together,
get down deep into each other’s brains, and get to know each other better.
People are always growing and changing; there’s always learning to be done
about each other.
Don’t hear me wrong, we do not wait for date nights to talk.
We talk all the time. If we’re
together, chances are, we’re talking. With a lot of kids around to interrupt
and distract and keep us busy, we’re often, necessarily, in parent-mode. But
when we’re not trying to get somewhere or trying to get our kids to do
something (i.e. when our kids are playing or having free time), we’re usually
talking…usually not about political views, or coordinating our calendars, or
relaying all the messages from that day…but about life and life issues, about
our relationship with each other, about parenting, about the theology and how
scripture relates to conflicts, and struggles, and emotions, and life choices,
about how to strategically live the life God calls us to. We talk via instant
messenger conversations throughout the day, via phone calls, while cooking
dinner, while driving to dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up from dinner, after
the lids’ bedtime (sometimes after an hour nap from having fallen asleep
tucking the kids in, sometimes sooner), when laying in bed….
It is no secret in our marriage that I have a dual interest
in dates - one is my desire to get time alone with Tad and to have the opportunity to enjoy each other when we're not in parent-mode, and the other is to have
a break from the daily, chaotic, evening parenting routine. Tad respects my
dual interest in dates and willingly prioritizes it - in his schedule & in
our budget. After a few days of lacking time to talk, he, too, feels the
desire/need to get time alone together. Perhaps one of our primary love languages
that we share, Quality Time, requires us (& helps us) to prioritize dates
more than another couple might. For us, though, date nights have contributed to
the quality of our marriage, and we continue to sacrifice in other areas in
order to keep it a priority.
Many couples get to a point in their marriage where they
forget how to talk, how to enjoy each other without other people around; they
forget how to date. For some, their marriage deteriorates throughout raising
their children and they mistakably believe they are benefitting their children
by staying together while leaving their relationship unprioritized and
unreconciled. Once their children are grown and move out, they divorce. I have
always disliked learning lessons the hard way, although I have had my share of it. I appreciate, immensely, when I
can learn from other people’s mistakes and experiences. I believe that
marriage, family, the home… is what Satan loves most to destroy. I believe this
is because it has such great potential to represent Christ’s relationship with
the church and minister, not just to the children in the family, or the
extended family members, but neighbors, the church, co-workers, even strangers.
I will fight for my marriage and I will do everything that is within my
capability to work towards a godly and God-honoring marriage, realizing that
ultimately my marriage is in God’s control. I refuse to let distance come
between us, or unfamiliarity, or conflicts, or pride (versus vulnerability), or
lack of emotional or physical intimacy, or lack of communication…. We maintain communication, even at the
cost of sacrificing, financially, in order to afford frequent babysitters and restaurants.
9. Don’t expect your
spouse to know what you want/need.
Communicate what you’re wanting, expecting or hoping for. To
me, a loving, considerate word or action on my husband’s part just didn’t mean
the same thing if I had to tell him that’s what I needed to hear or that’s what
I wanted him to do in a given situation. If I had to ask for it, then it wasn’t really him doing or saying it. But we
all know (most) guys can’t take hints (very well). And it is not right for a
person to expect their spouse to know what they need if they don’t tell them
what they need. This is an unfair expectation. It must be learned over a period
of time by communicating with your spouse. Even then, there will very likely
still be times when they don’t do or say the right things and we need to humbly
express our vulnerable needs (i.e. “Right now I’m just feeling insecure and
need to be reminded of who I am in Christ” or “I know the right answers in my
head, but emotionally I just need you to not give me advice but be a sounding
board for me right now?” or “I need to process something out loud with you;
will you brainstorm/talk through this with me?”)
On another note, Tad and I periodically evaluate our
marriage. We ask in so many words: Am I doing a good job loving you; are you
feeling loved well by me? We ask: Are there things (issues or frustrations…)
that you feel but haven’t communicated to me? Or: I feel like our marriage is
healthy & happy…is it just me or do you feel that way, too? I don’t want to
be ignorantly in bliss while having a husband who is discontent or vulnerable
to temptation because there are needs I don’t know about.
10. Get on the same
team.
Conflict naturally puts a married couple on opposing teams.
However, if a couple can begin dealing with a conflict by acknowledging to each
other the ways they are in agreement, it will help to defuse and sometimes
prevent an argument. Remind your spouse that you’re on the same team or have
the same ultimate goal in the scenario. Then together, as a team effort, you
can work out your unique opinions about reaching those goals that are in
conflict with each other.
11. An act of
submitting versus an attitude of submission
My husband often talks about the letter of the law versus
the spirit of the law, when it comes to traffic laws. For example, a person may
be going “with the flow”, slightly over the highway speed limit of 55. Hypothetically, I may be going the minimum 45. If I move
into the fast lane to get around a slower driver coming off the entrance ramp,
and the driver going “with the flow” doesn’t realize I am only going 45, he may
come up too quickly and cause an accident. Although both are technically
obeying the law, an accident could happen. For another example: if a driver
stops at an intersection (even though he doesn’t have a stop sign), but stops
anyway to be courteous and let me (who does
have a stop sign) cross the intersection, then a car could come up behind him (not
expecting him to be stopped since there is no stop sign) and may run into the
back of him. He may think he’s being courteous, but may cause an accident
because he’s actually not obeying the law.
A similar idea as the letter of the law versus the spirit of
the law, submission can be skirted around if acted on in a legalistic way or it
can be more than just an action but an attitude that flows out in the form of
love and respect in even the most subtle ways. A wife may submit to her husband
on an issue, but may do it in a hateful, sassy, threatening way, complaining
the whole time. Is that the kind of submitting that would glorify God? If we
submit but play the role of a martyr, submit with a begrudging attitude, or if
our submission tacks on the warning of what might happen if we do things his
way instead of our way – are we walking in obedience to the kind of submission
the Bible describes?
Some biblical context:
We ought not just submit, but we ought to submit to our
husbands in a particular way.
Heb
13:17 “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over
your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with
joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.”
Eph
5:15-21 “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making
the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be
foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk
with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing
one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody
to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God
the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another
out of reverence for Christ.”
Eph
5:22-24 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the
husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also
wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
1
Pet 3:1-2,5-6 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even
if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of
their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. …For this is how
the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to
their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you
are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
If our minds are focused on ourselves, or our will, or our
personal, culturally-influenced concept of what is just and right and
permissible when it comes to submission, then submission will take on a very
different form than if our minds are focused on godly righteousness. The former
is a perspective of selfishness and pride; the latter is one of humility and
love.
Rom
8:5-7 “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things
of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the
things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the
mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is
hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.”
Rom
10:3 “For, being ignorant of the righteousness of God, and seeking to establish
their own, they did not submit to God’s righteousness.”
Say a woman has an infant and has sore breasts and is sleep
deprived and physically exhausted. Culturally, it is socially acceptable for a
woman in these circumstances to reject her husband’s sexual advances. It would
by lying to submit to his advances and not share with him how you are feeling,
physically, if he asks. Submission doesn’t mean lying about whether you are
preferring sex at that time, or not. However, just because something may be
justifiable or acceptable among other women, even Christian women, doesn’t mean
it is righteous in God’s sight or that our heart attitude/motivation is
glorifying to God.
At times, we’re not directly asked to submit or an
opportunity presents itself in a subtle or indirect way. We then have the
prerogative to choose whether we will volunteer to submit even though we
weren’t specifically asked to do or not do something.
Jas
4:17 “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is
sin for them.”
I, personally, feel convicted that submission, in the area
of sexual intimacy, means a lot more than meets the eye. All Christians are
called to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21).
Wives, specifically, are to be submissive to their husbands because if we
aren’t, we enable the Word of God to be reviled (Tit 2:5). That’s a serious
repercussion of our sin. One area where women need to apply our calling to be
submissive is in the realm of our sex life. I have been convicted that I am not
being submissive if I do not initiate sex when I know Tad is wanting it but not
asking for it. If he mentioned it earlier in the day or if I can tell by his
words or body language (even if he’s not directly initiating), I know that I am
not doing the good I know I ought to do if I do not respond to it or even
initiate the discussion of whether or not he still desires sex (Jas 4:17).
Perhaps we know that initiating sex would bless our husband, who may feel sad
if he’s always the only one who ever initiates. Perhaps he makes advances, but
later, at bedtime, he doesn’t try again, assuming you would have reciprocating
if you were interested. There is a perfect opportunity to ask if you read him
right earlier, if he did want to make love and if he still feels that way or
would prefer to sleep. The fact that you acknowledge & initiate talking
about it could help him feel loved.
Titus 2:3-5 “…They are to
teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and
children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word
of God may not be reviled.”
children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word
of God may not be reviled.”
Additionally, I have the perspective that being too tired is
never a reasonable excuse to refuse sex or make the request to not have sex. In
my experience, there’s nothing worse than being horny and married (therefore
free to satisfy that desire) but be left unsatisfied. I do not ever want that
for my husband. Not only that, but I do not ever
want for my husband to leave home (for work or what not) and be subjected to
the temptation I could have helped him to avoid if I had just been available to
him/his needs. Satisfying a man’s sexual needs takes infinitely less time than
it takes women (the “men are microwaves, women are crock pots” analogy is true
for me, at least). So for me to be unwilling to serve my husband for the (very)
few minutes it takes to satisfy him and help him to avoid temptation is, for
me, inexcusable. On the contrary, it is more than worth it, every time. To
clarify, in saying that I do not agree that being too tired is ever a
reasonable excuse to avoid sex does not mean
I do not honestly communicate it if I am feeling too tired. I simply express
that I’m willing but not wanting, or that I am horny and tired and am therefore
conflicted about what I’m wanting, or that I am happy to serve him but am too
tired to let him serve me. It doesn’t have to be some magical, passionate
experience every time. Many times the willingness despite interest is more
endearing and stimulating than the alternative. More on submission/sex, see #6.
We can approach our call to submission with this encouragement:
Jas 4:7-8 “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”
See also Biblical Versus Unbiblical Perceptions of Marital Love 
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