Part II.
Biblical Guidelines for dealing with conflict.
Consequences
(Discipline)
When people sin, there are consequences
for their actions: some are natural consequences (e.g. the emotional pain
experienced because of a person’s sins or the temptation of the offended to
judge and withhold forgiveness from the offender, etc.), and some are imposed
consequences (a.k.a. discipline). Discipline can be
imposed internally (by self) or externally (by someone else).
Internally-imposed or self-imposed punishment can
be understood as penance. Penance is punishing your self as though Christ’s
sacrifice on the cross is not a sufficient punishment for your sin. It is an
attempt to earn God’s favor by our own means, as if it’s possible to make up
(atone) for our sins, and it is actually a denial of the sufficiency of
Christ’s atoning sacrifice. The concept of penance can fit in both categories:
internally-imposed by one’s own initiative or externally-imposed by a third
party (i.e. a Catholic priest). Penance is not biblical and does not make a person
any more capable of deserving or earning salvation (Eph 2:8-9).
Externally-imposed consequences, on the other
hand, are punishment or boundaries inflicted by those in authority over us (God,
our parents, legal system, church leaders, employer, etc.) or by peers, and can
include the one you have offended, even if the one offended isn’t a peer but is
younger. Peers may punish us emotionally or physically, or even relationally by
setting up boundaries.
Whether discipline is internally or externally imposed,
it is a means of confronting unacceptable actions. Punishment and boundaries are
among the various methods of confrontation.
Confrontation
(Ministry of Reconciliation)
We see countless examples throughout the Old
Testament of God disciplining his children, like Adam and Eve being banished
from the Garden of Eden because they disobeyed God. We can get a picture from
scripture of a variety of methods God used to discipline people. We would be
wise (and obedient) to model the disciplining of our own children after our
Heavenly Father’s example. “Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as
they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in
his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on,
however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have
been trained by it” (Heb 12:10-11). Discipline (confronting the issue of sin) can
bring about reconciliation between man and God, saving the soul from death (Pr
6:20-23; Pr 23:14). Disciplining our children ought
to be used as a way of presenting to them the gospel so as to address the root
causes (idols of the heart) that are motivating the sin and not just the disobedient
act itself (which teaches/reinforces moralism).
This is the gospel: Sin is rejection
of God. It is defiance of God who holds mankind accountable for sin. The
consequence is death – the debt we owe because of our sinful nature (Rom 6:23).
But God lovingly and graciously paid our debt; He sent His Son to die in our
place, resulting in the resurrection of Jesus (and us) from death into
life-eternal (Jn 3:16-21). “But because of his great love for us, God,
who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in
transgressions – it is by grace you have been
saved” (Eph 2:4-5).
Confronting the issue of sin and the
need for the Savior with those who have wronged us is the very thing God asks
of us in order that He may bring people to repentance, reconciliation with
Himself, and salvation (a.k.a. the ministry of reconciliation; II. Cor 5:11-21). This applies
to believers and unbelievers, alike. We are commissioned in scripture to share
the hope of the gospel message, explaining that we are all responsible for our
sin and need a Savior (Jn 13:24-35; Mt 5:16; Mt 28:19-20; I. Pet 3:15).
God warns us, though, that this
gospel we preach will be offensive to some people (II. Cor 2:14-17). Some will
furiously or mockingly reject the gospel and us. Despite their potentially
negative response, we can rest assured, confident that we did all we were
responsible to do. They, too, will have to stand before God on the day of
judgment (Mt 10:14-15). We can only show them Christ, love and serve them as
Christ taught us, and leave the vengeance for God (Mt 5:38-42; Rom 12:19-21;
Php 2:6-11). Believers, on the other hand, who get caught up in some form of of
idolatry (sin), have turned away from God to follow the lusts of their sinful
hearts (Jas 4:1; II. Pet 1:9-11). Eternally they may be sealed by the Holy
Spirit, but, in the day-to-day, they are allowing themselves to be led astray,
ignoring the conviction of the Holy Spirit to repent and be reconciled with
God. Whether a person is believer or unbeliever, our calling – to love them and
act on our concern for their reconciliation with God by confronting their sin –
must be a priority.
The
Context of our Specific Relationships
Whether we are examining sin against
God, or sin between parent/child, husband/wife, employer/employee, believer/unbeliever,
church members, neighbors, or brothers, we can seek God’s Word to learn what
our role and responsibility is in that particular relationship (Rom 13:1-10).
The biblical responsibilities we have within our relationships are not
contingent on whether people treat us rightly or wrongly: even when we are hurt
and offended by another person’s sin, we are not excused from our God-given
responsibilities. (Refer to the outline in PART III.) As Christians, our
responsibility is to confront others with the general issue of sin and the need
for reconciliation with God. When we are in a conflict with others, we are
provided with a perfect opportunity to make analogies between our conflict with
each other and mankind’s conflict with God because of sin.
When it comes to having conflicts
with other believers, we can look to
God’s Word for instruction and guidelines:
Jas 5:19-20 “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from
the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a
sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a
multitude of sins.
Pr 28:23 “Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more
favor than he who flatters with his tongue.
Titus 3:9-11 “But
avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about
the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. Warn a divisive person
once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is
warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.”
Rom 14:5b, 13-14, 19, 22-23 “…Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. … Therefore
let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a
stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. I know and am persuaded in the Lord
Jesus that nothing is unclean in
itself, but it is unclean for
anyone who thinks it unclean. …So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding. …The faith that you have, keep
between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself
for what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because
the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.”
Eph 5:8-11 “For
you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of
light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and
truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have
nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose
them.”
Matthew 18:15-17 “If
your brother (among the body of believers) sins against you, go and tell him
his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained
your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you,
that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell
it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as
you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Parenthesis added).
The Romans 14 verses above brings up an important
point. In the same way that there are countless denominations with differing
interpretations of the Bible and religious traditions, we Christians are unique
in our humanity and can have widely varying perspectives of God and His Word.
When there is an issue about which we disagree that is not indisputably defined
in scripture, we can either judge another person as if we are the god and judge
to which they answer, or we can trust God’s ability to convict them through the
Holy Spirit and reveal truth. God has each of us on a unique, personal journey,
and He teaches us and convicts us of our sin in different ways and at different
times than others. Who are we to judge something about a person when God may
have not yet convicted them in that area? Are we not actually judging God? Did
God not give them the right amount of faith? Is God wrong to have not convicted
them sooner about that particular thing? Each one of us has only the measure of
faith God, the Founder and Perfecter of faith, has given us (Rom 12:3; Heb
12:2). It is God’s role to convict: “Behold, the Lord comes with ten thousands of
his holy ones, to execute judgment on all and to convict all the ungodly
of all their deeds of ungodliness that they have committed in such an
ungodly way, and of all the harsh things that ungodly sinners have spoken
against him” (Jude 1:14b-15).
Perhaps the issue in conflict is a matter of
lacking wisdom; perhaps it is an area of sin. Either way, if a person is
convinced that God approves something, then we ought to encourage them to be
obedient to their conviction and not lead them to do something they would
perceive as disobedient to God (again, that is IF it is indisputable in
scripture). As
the Divine Judge, the Giver of faith, and the One who convicts us of our sin,
our job is simply to encourage obedience to what a person is convinced is
right. James 4:17 says, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do
it, for him it is sin.” The entire chapter of Romans 14 provides a profound
explanation of some kinds of things that may not be sin in itself, but is a sin
if God has convicted a person about it in one way or another. It also warms us
to not tempt a person to compromise regarding something we may not view as sin,
but in doing so we are leading the person to sin. Luke 17:1-2 give us a stark
warning, “And he said to his disciples, ‘Temptations to sin are sure to
come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better
for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea
than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.’”
When we are in conflict with another believer, we
have the responsibility to confront the sin that is clearly defined in
scripture as sin. Mt 18:15-17 provides a how-to model. If
each step is taken and the person remains unrepentant, the final step is to
remove the person from the fellowship of the church by excluding them from the
church. This faces the sinner with the reality of their unreconciliation with
(and separation from) God due to the sin they are committing. Once the person
experiences isolation from God and God’s people and no longer reaps the
benefits of being a part of the fellowship of believers, they will hopefully,
by God’s grace, repent. Repentance is
the goal of each step of the confrontation process that we see in Mt 18 (with reconciliation
with God as the ultimate goal). If he remains unrepentant and rejects
God’s calling to submit to one another and pursue righteousness, humility, and
peace (Eph 5:21; I. Tim 6:11; Jas 4:6,10,17; Rom 12:18), we can be confident
that we have fulfilled the responsibilities we had to them as a fellow believer
and we begin to approach them, instead, as one who is rejecting God’s Word, an
unbeliever who needs a Savior.
We ought to approach our conflict with unbelievers with humility (recognizing our
own sin and need for grace) and with genuine
concern for their unreconciliation with God by being ministers of reconciliation/ministers
of the gospel. “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Mt 18:15).
If he rejects you/your message, there are times we ought to shake the dust off
our feet (Mt 10:12-15), and move on, since we are not to be yoked to unbelievers (II. Cor
6:14-18).
Once married, a man is yoked together
with his wife (Heb 13:4; Mk 10:2-9). A
husband is to sacrifice himself for his wife just as Christ did for the church
(Eph 5). If the wife is indulging in sin (sin against God, her husband, her
self, or anyone else) is the husband excused from the marriage? No; he is
responsible to wash her with the Word and present her without spot or wrinkle
or blemish, therefore confronting the source of her unreconciliation with God (sin)
(Eph 5:25-33). If the husband is indulging in sin (any sin), is the wife
excused from the marriage? No; she is responsible to fulfill the role for which
God created her, to be “helper” to her husband (Gen 2:18). One significant way
she can do this is by confronting her husband with the message of
reconciliation (II. Cor 5:11-21). Permission to divorce is not commanded but
offered in the case of adultery (Mt 5:32; Mt 19:9). Adultery is a sin that is
intended to have serious consequences and will have, in some cases, eternal
repercussions (I. Cor 5:9-11; I. Cor 6:9,18; Eph 5:5). What more crucial
opportunity is there to extend the message of reconciliation? Permission to
divorce in this case is given because of man’s hardness of heart, but it is
God’s will that, once made “one flesh”, they will never separate (Mt 19:3-9; Mk
10:2-12).
If a believing husband or wife has a conflict
with his/her unbelieving spouse, the believing spouse ought to approach the
conflict by remaining bound to (yoked together with) the unbelieving spouse as
long as the unbelieving spouse is willing to remain married, submitting to one another
as unto Christ in hopes that the unbelieving spouse will then see God in him/her,
“because without holiness no one will see the Lord” (Heb 12:3-17; I. Cor
7:1-16; I. Pet 3:1-2). If the unbelieving spouse leaves, however, the believing
spouse is relieved of his/her responsibilities to the unbelieving spouse in
order that he/she may live in peace (1 Cor 7:10-16), as God calls us to do all
we can to live “peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness” (I. Pet
3:1-6; I. Thess 5:13; Rom 12:9-21; II. Cor 12:11; I. Tim 2:1-8).
If a man and woman have children, he is
yoked to them – not by choice but by blood. If the man or woman sins against
his/her spouse and children by abandoning them, is he (or she) excused from his
responsibility to provide for them and manage his family (I. Tim 5:8; I. Tim
3:4; Pr 31:10-31)? Even our legal system says no and sentences him/her to pay
alimony and child support.
A child is yoked together with his
parents. When sinned against by a parent, a child is not excused from carrying
out his/her responsibility to honor the parent (Eph 6:1-3). This does not mean
the parent does not need to be confronted with his/her sin and held accountable
for it. This also does not mean that extra measures may sometimes need to be
taken in order to insure safety (physical or mental) for the child (even for an
adult child). However, the parent’s sin may be leading him/her down a path that
leads to eternal unreconciliation with God if not addressed. A child has an
opportunity to set an example for the parent in the way he/she responds with
love, honor, godly actions, and humble confrontation (unless this needs to come
from another adult for safety purposes) (I. Tim 4:12). Lk 15, the story of the Prodigal son, is a good example of how to approach
conflict between family members.
We are to approach conflict we may
have with others by loving our neighbor as ourselves (Mk 12:29-31; Mt 5:38-48).
We are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21). We
should “see to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God” (Heb 12:15-17).
What other verses can you find to guide you in your God-given responsibilities
to the one with whom you are experiencing conflict?
Sins
and Misconceptions That Can Interfere
Mt 5 says, “Blessed are the
peacemakers…”. Being a peacemaker does not mean avoiding conflict; avoidance
only suppresses problems; and they eventually resurface because suppressing
them does not resolve them. Peace, while conflict is present but is swept
under the rug, out of sight (figuratively),
is only an illusion of peace. Just because the conflict is ignored doesn’t
mean it no longer exists. Peace and conflict are opposites (i.e. contradictions);
they can’t co-exist, even if the conflict is (mentally) hidden out of sight. Suppressing conflict is the opposite of
addressing conflict. More often than not,
conflict requires confrontation in order for peace to be found. Sometimes
it might be an inner conflict that requires confrontation of one’s own sin in
order to find peace. Other times it might be an external conflict between
multiple people that requires confrontation of another’s sin in order to find
peace. (None of these Biblical concepts mean that we should remain in an
abusive marriage, or choose a child molester to babysit your kids, or leave
your front door open so that thieves will find you, or keep quiet if our child
is addicted to heroin.)
Sometimes inner conflict occurs when
we have heightened emotions that take us to an irrational state, but once we
are able to think clearly, we realize our problem was unfounded or
unreasonable. In such cases, our offender may never know we have been offended,
and we can often find peace again without having to address the offender. Too
often, however, conflict is mistaken as unfounded or unreasonable and is left
unaddressed, when it actually would be beneficial to confront it. In such
cases, there may be repetitive occurrences, causing the problem to grow. It is
vitally important to learn to discern between the conflicts that need
confronting and the ones that do not. Here are some common reasons that lead to
the tendency to avoid confrontation. These may help to discern your heart’s
motive when considering whether or not to confront an issue.
Avoiding confrontation can be a symptom
of a “people-pleaser” because the goal is to please the person (by not ruffling
any feathers) rather than pleasing God. If that is our motivation, then we are
worshipping and serving a false god. We
cannot serve 2 masters (Mt 6). God is to be the only god we serve (Ex 20). We
cannot compromise the righteousness to which God calls us in order to fulfill
the goal of pleasing man. “Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and
doesn’t do it, sins” (Jas 4:17).
Avoiding confrontation can be a
symptom of co-dependency. A co-dependent individual is one who rescues and/or
serves another (manipulatively or subconsciously) for the purpose of receiving
identity, value, and/or security. Co-dependency is idol-dependency (a.k.a.
idolatry). Idol-dependency is a person’s reliance on (or love of…, or service
to…) any one or any thing other than God for their identity, value or security.
Co-dependency has compulsive tendencies that persist even at the cost of one’s
own health and/or happiness or at the cost of enabling unhealthy or abusive
behavior on the part of the one being rescued (e.g. avoiding confrontation).
Avoiding confrontation can also be a
matter of selfishness because confrontation can be one of the most dreadful,
fear-inducing, anxiety-producing experiences in life. Reconciliation takes
time, drains your emotions & can cause a lot of headaches. It is NO
fun. To love someone enough to be willing & determined to go through
the misery of confrontation and reconciliation – that is love. If someone is caught in a sin, their soul and
eternal future is at stake; they need to be restored. “Stern discipline awaits
him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die” (Pr 15:10). Pr 17:9
says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love.” He who confronts conflict
and sin promotes peace between the person and God, as well as peace with
others.
Avoiding confrontation can provide an
escape from our calling to love others. The second greatest commandment is to
love others as ourselves (Mt 22:38-39). Love is not only an emotion but is also
an action – a way in which we choose to treat someone. Once someone hurts us
deeply, the feeling of love may disappear even after we seek God’s help to
forgive the person. Treating someone with love, however, (and doing so “unconditionally”),
does not mean that we accept being treated wrongly without acknowledging
it or making the effort to improve the relationship. It does not mean we
should ignore abuse…to any degree or in any form. On the contrary, loving
someone “unconditionally” means that we choose to treat the person with love (and
forgive them) despite being treated wrongly. Even if we point out how they
wronged us and make effort to improve the relationship but they continue to be
treat us wrongly, we choose to continue to treat them with love, despite not
feeling love for them. It means that our love for them is unselfish; it is not
based on anything we gain from the relationship or anything that they do or
don’t do in the relationship. It means there is nothing they can do (or
not do) to bring an end to our decision to treat them with love. That is a
picture of unconditional love. The only one who is perfectly and consistently
capable of unconditional love is Jesus. This is how God loves his children.
Dangers
of Not Confronting
Some people withhold forgiveness or
hesitate to forgive because they believe that offering forgiveness without attaching
consequences will not guarantee that the offender will recognize the
seriousness of his/her offense. Does forgiveness cause a person to feel
justified for their sin? Does the offer of forgiveness condone a person’s sin? It
could, but it doesn’t have to. Forgiving without confronting
the sin can potentially make it
easier for a person to continue in sin. For example, if an abusive husband
knows his wife will never stand up for herself he may very likely continue his
abusive pattern. Or perhaps he continues his abusive pattern because he
believes it’s okay since he’s a Christian and God will forgive him anyway – this is a rejection of the gospel. (Rom 6:1-2
“…Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who
died to sin still live in it?”) By not
acknowledging/identifying the abuse as the sin that it is, this wife is not acting out of love toward her husband
and out of concern for his salvation.
Similarly, it is not “loving” to sit
by and not intervene while your child
continues to do something that is hurting them and could potentially end their
life. Pr 5:23 says, “He dies for lack of discipline…”
But Pr 23:14 says, “Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” Pr
13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates
his son, but he who loves him is
diligent to discipline him.” Parents are not the only
ones with the ability to assist in saving a soul from death. Jas 5:19-20
tells us, “My brothers, if anyone among
you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that
whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death
and will cover a multitude of sins.”
It does not help a person if you keep
quiet while they do or say things that hurt you. Doing so would only enable
them to continue the sinful pattern, to develop a habit of treating you (&
eventually others) that way, it will eventually destroy many relationships in
their life, and will eventually lead to their death and eternal separation from
God. “Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction
will die” (Pr 15:10). To love a person is to show them the way to life; it may
even lead to their repentance. After
all, it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (I. Jn 4:19). How did God
show us his kindness: He loved us and died for us while we were still sinners
(Rom 2:4; 5:8). By confronting the issue of sinfulness, you are sharing the
gospel. We have the opportunity to show our offender Christ, by forgiving as
Christ forgave us (Eph 4:32), while simultaneously confronting sin. Here is the
hope we have: when we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other,
healing can be found (Jas 5:16; Mt 5:44).
The law (commandments) was given to
differentiate righteousness from unrighteousness and to show us our need for a
Savior – Jesus. Jesus came to fulfill the law by sacrificing his life (thus
forgiving us for our sin) as well as to live the sinless life the law requires
(since we are unable). Biblically, we,
too, are to stand out as different (holy) amongst a sinful, depraved, lost
generation (Eph 5:8-11), to be a light in the darkness, to differentiate sin
from holiness for the sake of unbelievers (Mt 5:13-16), and to appeal to
unbelievers by imploring them to be reconciled to God (II. Cor 5:20). Our sin
separates us from God, causing us to be unreconciled with God (Col
How many of us know unbelievers who
do a better job of loving their neighbor, serving the needy, and treating
people with love and grace? Why are Christians not the ones with that
reputation? Instead, Christians are known as those who profess with their mouth
love for God but then live lives of self-indulgence, sexual immorality,
drunkenness, hedonism and other forms of idolatry. Are Christians picking and
choosing which parts of God’s word applies to them, which parts they feel are
relevant, and which parts they can ignore? Many “Christians” in our culture
identify themselves with the name of Christ yet do not believe in His teachings,
and they create their own ideas about who God is that are contrary to the Word.
What is the result other than Christians who misrepresent Christ and
inaccurately portray Him to unbelievers? We are meant to be image-bearers of
Christ (I. Cor 15:49). As a universal church, how accurate is your depiction of
Christ in the way that you life?
I. Cor 5:6-13 says, “Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven
leavens the whole lump? Cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump,
as you really are unleavened. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been
sacrificed. Let us therefore celebrate the festival, not with the old leaven,
the leaven of malice and evil, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and
truth. I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral
people – not at all meaning the sexually
immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then
you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to
associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual
immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler – not even to eat with such a one. For what have I
to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to
judge? God judges those outside. ‘Purge the evil person from among you.’"
By not practicing this, we are portraying to our
lost world a false Christ, one who is not worthy of our worship, sacrifice,
obedience, or our lives. If unbelievers see that even Christians do not live
lives in worshipful obedience, then why should they? If unbelievers see
bitterness, disputes and disunity amongst believers, they will not see the good
works and love that reveal the identity of those who are disciples of God (Mt
5:16; Jn 13:34-35). If knowing God doesn’t bring fulfillment, value, hope,
contentment, and security for Christians, why would anyone (who does not have
the fear of God in him) bother with Christianity? Instead we are called to
confront sin, be reconciled to the God, and set ourselves apart – to be a beacon of light in our dark, sinful, dying
world so that all might see and know that there is a God and He is worthy of
our worship and obedience, and do so out of thankfulness for all He is and all He has done for us for the glory of God.
Paul’s
Example
The apostle Paul traveled around to
visit the early churches. He saw problems. All churches – then and now – have
problems; they have problems because they are made up of sinners. What if, when
Paul visited the churches, he recognized the problems (the sin) but didn’t
address it? Isn’t it interesting how Paul’s New Testament letters encouraged the churches he visited but also
acknowledged the sin he saw, as well
as the situations, tendencies, attitudes, values, practices, etc. that were
causing disunity and disorganization? Paul’s letters were letters of
encouragement – yes. But his encouragement came in two forms: praise and
admonishment. When a missionary, like Paul, travels to encourage a
church/ministry (especially when you’re there long enough to see some of the
behind-the-scene things) he may gain a perspective of the good, the bad and the
ugly. Praising the good, while also acknowledging the bad & the ugly, are
both a form of encouraging the ministry, just as Paul did over & over
again. Not a fun job, I’d bet, but an essential one that benefitted the
churches of that time (in Galatia, Ephesus, Colossae, Corinth, etc.) as well as
the universal church ever since then (including you & me, today) who get to
read Paul’s admonishments in scripture. It helps us discern the difference
between what is godly and what isn’t, just as it helped the churches back then
learn the difference, too.
The example set by Paul in his
letters is admonishment that begins and ends with encouragement. Not only that,
but they almost always also begin and end with prayer, too.
Boundaries
It is biblical to do everything that
is within our realm of responsibility and capability to encourage healthy,
peaceful relationships and to live in peace (Rom 12:18; Heb 12:14). The part
that depends on the other person is not under our control and is not our
responsibility. We can
do our part, but the actions of others may still disrupt the peace; it’s not
going to be completely preventable. For some relationships, “our part” might
include setting up “personal boundaries” and possibly making a request for
setting up some “relational boundaries” with the other person.
Relational boundaries can include
methods of physical protection, accountability to avoid sin, a new and more
healthy method of handling future conflict, etc.. To declare
“relational boundaries” – with the condition that, IF the offender oversteps
one of the boundaries, you will no longer stay in the relationship – could be
motivated by grace, or it could be manipulation. In I. Cor 13:5, we learn that
love “…does not insist on its own way….” In Pr 17:9, we are encouraged to
promote love by covering over offenses. We also know that we should forgive sin
as many times as it occurs, even if it means seventy
times seven (Mt 18:21-22). However, in Tit 3:9-11, we see an example of
giving a divisive church member 2 warnings (or 3 chances) then they’re out (so
to speak). If we humbly and prayerfully decide to follow the Tit 3 principle
and warn this kind of offender of what will happen if they step outside of the
boundaries, we should avoid presenting them in a threatening, demanding way, as
though we’re saying, “Do it or else.”
If the offender is unwilling to
submit to your proposed boundaries, but insists upon creating some boundaries
of their own, then as long as the proposed boundaries are not requiring you to
sin, to be dishonest, to lie by hiding your emotions, to remain in an abusive situation,
etc., then biblically we ought to be “submitting to one another out of
reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21). Insisting on boundaries is an attempt to
manipulate the person so they will submit to what you want. Even if what you
are suggesting is healthy, wise, biblical and honoring to God, we can make a
request but we cannot force compliance. Perhaps submitting to their request is
what will enable some sort of relationship to continue, through which they
might see Christ in you and repent. Perhaps sacrificing in this way for the
sake of reconciliation will show them an example of Christ’s sacrifice for the
sake of our reconciliation with God.
It is one thing to institute healthy
guidelines for relating with each other; it’s another thing to put conditions
on your love for someone. God wants us to love sinners – believers and unbelievers, alike, with a
Christ-like, selfless, enduring kind of love. Depending on the type of
relationship it is, if we are in any way yoked together, we can do little more
than make a humble request motivated
by selfless love and concern for their salvation. At some point the person may
stray from the “relational boundaries” and offend you again. When/if that
happens, the consequences should not be to revoke your love, but to seek to
extend grace and forgiveness…even as many times as seventy times seven. Extend
grace and understand it may take time to adjust to a different approach to
handling conflict.
On the other hand, establishing
“personal boundaries” that you set in place (not for the other person but for
yourself) could mean altering your behavior or actions to limit the frequency
or intensity of the conflict, to promote peace, and to avoid unnecessary hurt,
even abuse. Just because you love them as unconditionally as humanly possible
and forgive them despite anything they may say or do does not mean God necessarily wants you to remain in an abusive
situation where abuse persists.
As believers, we strive to be righteous and
beyond reproach. This includes doing all we can to not tempt others to sin. We
should not put a stumbling block in another person’s way (I. Cor 8:9; Mt 18:6;
Rom 14:13-23; I. Tim 4:12). Could it be that an abused wife, by not pointing
out her husband’s sin, is enabling him to continue his sinful pattern? Could it
be that if she were to make herself unavailable in potentially dangerous
situations she could better fulfill her God-given role as “helper” and in this
way help him to avoid sin? Could it be that she could continue to fulfill her
role as his wife by living elsewhere but continuing to maintain the home,
provide food and clothing, and even maintain the relationship, interaction, and
emotional support by way of a safe environment (public, perhaps)? This brings
us to Matthew 5:38-42, which I perceive as referring to retaliation. Rather
than hitting back, turn the other cheek. If the choice is between returning
evil or promoting peace, then promote peace.
But in an abusive situation, for instance, turning the cheek in such a
way that invites them to sin again could essentially be like putting a
stumbling block in their way and tempting them to sin again. If our presence
provides a temptation for them to abuse us, then should we remove that
temptation? Whether we are in conflict with your spouse, child, parent, church
member, unbeliever, etc., we should examine our interaction and pray that God
will illuminate whether or not we are, in any way, providing a temptation or
opportunity for the other person or enabling them to continue in sin.
Tit 3:9-11 speaks of giving 2 warnings to a
believer for being divisive and after the 3rd offense to “have
nothing to do with him.” I. Cor 13:5 says love “keeps no record of wrongs”. To
count the number of times a person sins (in the example of the Titus 3 divisive
person) could seem like keeping a record. The ESV
word-for-word translation (as opposed to concept-by-concept translations) uses
the term “resentful” instead of “keeps no record of wrongs.” We know from our
own experiences that it is easy to sin in a particular way again and again. Pr
17:9 refers to a person repeating a sin. Gal 6:1-5 refers to a person being
“caught” in a sin. Sometimes we are caught (stuck) in a sinful pattern as in a
spider’s web but don’t realize it. When we are meeting together regularly with
other believers and considering how to “spur one another on to love and good
works” (Heb 10:24-25), we may recognize a sinful pattern for another believer
that he may not see for himself. Does this mean we are, in a sense, keeping a
record? No, we’re simply paying attention and recognizing a pattern of sinful
behavior for the purpose of confronting the issue of sin and restoring a
wandering sinner. When our motivation is love and our purpose is to spur one
another on toward love and godliness, then by all means let us love our
neighbor in this way, as Gal 6 and Heb 10 are just two of the many passages in
scripture that encourages us to humbly and gently restore sinners.
Should trust be reinstated to an offender? We can
trust people to do one thing: sin. At some point or another there will come a
time when we will once again be hurt or offended by the person because we are
dealing with a sinner, just as we, ourselves, are sinners. Perhaps we should
adjust our expectations accordingly and, when appropriate, set up boundaries to
ensure safety.
Let’s consider a father who molested his child.
The father can be genuinely forgiven and the relationship can move forward.
However, when the child grows up, gets married and has children of his/her own,
what should the relationship look like between the abusive grandfather and his
grandchildren? The physical and emotional health and safety of the children may
be at risk. A boundary should, perhaps, be put into place to eliminate the
potential temptation for the grandfather and prevent any opportunity for him to
abuse again. This is an example of a type of boundary that can be set up in
order to keep an offender in your life for the sake of the gospel but promote
peace and safety in your relationship.
If a person truly recognizes the depths of his (or her) sin, he will be
understanding if the one he has offended has difficulty forgiving him. If a
person is truly repentant for his sin, he will not only accept boundaries but
will desire or even initiate boundaries to ensure adhering to the path of
righteousness for Christ’s sake. However, do not misunderstand: no boundary – no matter how many or how elaborate –
will ever be able to guarantee that the offender will
not sin again or that you will not experience the effects of their sin again,
at some point in the future.
Forgiveness
Does Not Guarantee Reconciliation.
Preventing conflict 100% of the time is not
possible because we are sinful people and because Christians are sure to face
persecution (I. Pet 4:12-19; I. Pet 3:8-22; Rom
8:18-39; II. Cor 12:9-10; Rom 5:3-5; II. Cor 1:3-7; Php 3:10-11).
However, we ought to use wisdom to pursue peace by avoiding conflict whenever
possible for the sake of the gospel of love, and of peace, and of unity. What
can we gleam from scripture so that we may know how to anticipate and,
therefore, avoid conflict before it occurs? Proverbs
is full of practical examples, such as Pr 17:9 which says, “He who covers over
an offense promotes love…”. Examples from the New Testament are:
“…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
(Jas 1:19); “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all”
(Rom 12:9-21); and “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph
5:21). Another way to avoid conflict is to seek to truly understand what is
meant by II. Cor 6:14-18, “For what partnership has righteousness with
lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? …or what portion does
a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God
When the inevitable conflicts in life
do occur, we can confront the issue of sin with the unbeliever but we cannot resolve
the issue of sin for the other person; that is between them and God, their Maker
& Judge. The responsibility falls on them. We can do everything that is
within our power to live at peace, but that does not mean we can ensure peace. We
can take opportunities to share the message of reconciliation, but we have to
remember the warning in II. Cor 2:14-16 that “the message is to some the
fragrance of life, but to others the smell of death” because it offends those
whose god is self and whose purpose is to serve only himself. Remember, forgiveness
can be done by one person alone. However, reconciliation, resolving sin, and
establishing peace requires cooperation from both parties - the one who has
offended and the one who has been offended.
Let us seek God’s Spirit, our Companion,
Counselor, and Helper, who lives in us, to help us discern how to pursue peace whenever
possible, while also pursuing the ministry of reconciliation for the sake of
the One who suffered and died in order that He might seek and save the lost (Lk
19:10), remembering that we were all lost and saved by nothing other than His grace
(Isa 53:6; Eph 2:8-10).
Part
III.
Outline to
assist in deciphering the
Who, What,
Where, When, Why & How’s in Scripture
There are certain steps that are beneficial to
walk through as one begins to approach the process of dealing with conflict.
Before you decide what to do, you need to know WHO you’re dealing with. Then,
determine what your responsibilities are - biblically - to that person,
depending on WHAT type of relationship you have with him or her. Next, study
and discern the biblical guidelines for WHERE, WHEN, WHY and HOW to approach
reconciliation. Through all of it, PRAY. Pray for God to give you His heart -
one of humility. Pray for Him to remind you of your need for the Savior. Pray
for Him to enable you to forgive. Pray for your enemies - those who persecute
you. And pray for Him to supply peace, regardless of the outcome. In faith,
follow God’s steps to forgiveness and trust His control over the heart of the
person with whom you are in conflict. Here is an outline that will walk you
through how to decipher which Bible verses apply to your situation.
I.
Determining the “who” in the
conflict:
A.
Is the person a Believer or
Unbeliever?
B.
Is the person someone with whom we
are bound or yoked?
Here are the options:
1. Christian believer, in the family of God, a brother/sister in
Christ
2.
Church member going by name/title “Christian” but bears no fruit
(I. Cor 5:12; Mt 12:33; Gal 5:22-23)
2. Unbeliever to whom we are bound
3. Unbeliever to whom we are not bound
II.
Discern “WHAT” your biblical
responsibility is to the “WHO”, relationally speaking (i.e. responsibilities to
parents, children, spouse, our government, the church family, widows, orphans,
unbelievers...)
III.
Biblical guidelines (addressed in the
above article):
A.
WHERE
B.
WHEN
C.
WHY
D.
HOW
1. How
to approach conflict with a (true) Christian or a (self-proclaimed)
“Christian”
2. How to approach conflict with an Unbeliever
a. Unbeliever to whom we are yoked/bound/responsible
b. Unbeliever to whom we are not yoked/bound/responsible
Written by Wendy Sellers.
Includes passages and
references to the ESV and NIV translations of the Bible.
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