v
Communication?
v
Conflict resolution?
v
Listening skills?
v
Being in tune with your own emotions?
v
Not taking each other for granted?
These and other interpersonal skills all have the ability to
drastically affect the climate of one’s
marriage but do not have the ability to
insure the health or longevity of marriage. Interpersonal skills such as these can take on countless forms as they are practiced within a marriage and are influenced by the unique
personalities, experiences, circumstances, culture, abilities, etc. of the
individuals in the marriage.
Consider communication for example. Communication will look
different from one marriage to the next since each spouse has a varying level
of: ability to identify personal emotions, ability to articulate emotions, style
of expression, frequency of opportunities available, willingness to communicate
based on previous responses received, etc.. Each interpersonal skill will take
on forms as widely varying as this example.
Communication is just one of many interpersonal skills.
If one marriage excels in every possible interpersonal skill but is severely
weak in one, it may struggle, but should it be diagnosed as fatal? What if it
is severely weak in two and mildly weak in three other interpersonal skills? Is
there a certain combination that must be achieved in order for a marriage to
have any hope? Although contrary to modern societal wisdom, it would be
appropriate to conclude that there is no universal standard for communication or
any other interpersonal skill which must be achieved in order for marriage to
survive. A couple’s collective interpersonal skills, whether weak or at its
best, cannot, in itself, effectively equip a marriage for the tools it needs in
order to survive for the duration. But we don’t want our marriage to just
survive, we want it to thrive. So if not
society’s latest theory on marriage’s essential interpersonal skill, on what,
then, does a healthy, fulfilling, lasting marriage hinge?
Hinges:
- God - His commitment to us; our commitment to Him
- Identifying
& embracing the God-given role, which our spouse is intended to have
in our life…
- The way in which we respond to our spouse’s
sinfulness directly reflects our understanding of God’s grace and
forgiveness for ourselves.
- On whom do we rely to meet our needs? When we let
ourselves be led by our fleshly desires and then find ourselves
disappointed and frustrated, toward whom do we direct our anger or
frustration?
- Viewing our marriage through an eternal perspective.
It’s amazing that a huge, heavy door can be held up by 3,
sometimes even just 2, tiny hinges as if it’s holding on by a thread. If a
marriage is holding on by a thread, what kind of thread will be able to ensure
stability and be capable of supporting such a huge, heavy responsibility (as in
marriage) for the duration?
Eccl 4:12 "And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him
—a threefold cord is not quickly broken."
Eccl 4:12 "And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him
—a threefold cord is not quickly broken."
1. First and foremost: God
- His commitment to us; our commitment to Him.
It is God, through His Spirit living in us, who equips us.
Because of God’s steadfast love and commitment to us, we have hope, even
assurance.
Php 1:6 “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will
bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
Php 2:12-13 “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as
in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with
fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work
for his good pleasure.”
1 Cor.10:13 “…And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can
bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can
endure it.”
Thanks to God, we
are not left to ourselves - dying and hopeless in our depraved, hedonistic
state. We are a new creation, given both abundant and eternal life through
Christ’s blood, given value and purpose through our knowledge of God. We have
hope that the God who is capable to save, is living in us, molding us into His
likeness and sanctifying us so that we may be a light in a dark world, an
ambassador sent from our true home in the kingdom to be on mission in our dying
world.
As a side note: A
Christian cannot expect an unbelieving spouse to have the same values and
perspective and spiritual fruit that they themselves have in Christ.
Our commitment level
to our spouse ought to be contingent upon nothing other than our commitment to
God. There will be plenty of times throughout our marriage when we will not
“feel” committed or want to remain committed to our spouse, but we remain because
of our commitment to God; we persevere in obedience to Him. Our first priority
is to, “fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man”
(Eccl 12:13). Our first and greatest command is to love God with all our heart,
with all our soul, with all our mind and with all our strength (Mk 12:28-31).
These verses, summarized, means we are created to glorify God. When He is our
God, we serve Him, only - not ourselves, not anyone or anything else. When this
perspective - when these goals - are clear in our minds and hearts, we walk in
obedience to Him, and in a marriage that means submitting to God’s authority
and persevering - out of reverence for God, despite ourselves. (More on this topic,
see #5.)
1 Tim 2:8 “Therefore I want
the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing.”
2. Secondly,
we need to identify and embrace the God-given role in which our spouse is
intended to have in our life, and us in theirs.
Gen 2:18 “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone;
I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Eph 5:21-33 “…submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head
of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself
its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in
everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved
the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having
cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might
present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such
thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way
husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife
loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of
his body.“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to
his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound,
and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each
one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her
husband.”
Marriage is intended to be analogous of Christ and the
church. The husband’s love for his wife should look like this: giving up
himself up for the sake of his wife. He is also responsible for nourishing her
and cherishing her. He is also to cleanse and sanctify her through the Word as
a means to present her “holy and without blemish”. For a wife to be presented
to God as holy and without blemish is only possible through the knowledge and redemption
of Jesus Christ. Therefore, the wife must be taught about Christ, directed
to Christ and reminded of Christ so
that she embraces Christ’s salvation
through his death and resurrection. Then she may receive Christ’s
sanctification through His indwelling Holy Spirit. For a wife to be sanctified
by her husband, he must rebuke, admonish, correct, sharpen, teach, counsel and
spur on his wife. A husband also needs to embrace his wife’s role as his helper
- the role that was instituted by God because He determined it is not good for
man to be alone.
A wife’s love for her husband ought to take on this form -
that she submit to her husband. Is she to submit only in the important matters?
Again, marriage is intended to be analogous of Christ and the church. A wife is
to submit to her husband “in everything”. She is also to love him by treating
him with respect. Is it presumed, biblically, that she will treat her husband
with respect only when she feels respect for him? Treating a person with
respect is not contingent upon the presence of feelings of respect. Respect,
like love, is culturally perceived as an emotion, but it is also action verb.
We are able to treat someone with respect in the way we choose to respond to
them, even when their actions are unrespectable. As a husband cleanses and
sanctifies his wife, she ought to receive it with and respond to it with
respect and submission. (More on the wide-reaching effects of a wife’s
submission - see #5.)
Am I treating my
spouse as my own flesh, the way I would want to be treated?
Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and
his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Eph 5:28-33 “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh,
but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we
are members of his body.“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and
hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is
profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However,
let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she
respects her husband.”
Mt 7:12 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for
this is the Law and the Prophets.”
This encompasses
those healthy interpersonal skills like honest communication, conflict
resolution, reflective listening, sharing each others interests, etc. Do I want to be heard? Then I should also
listen. Do I want to be confronted with my sin in a gentle, patient, loving
way? Then I should also confront my spouse’s sin in a gentle, patient and
loving way. Do I want my love tank filled? Then I should selflessly seek to
fill my spouse’s love tank.
As for the Golden Rule, what do we do when I want to be
treated a certain way, but my spouse doesn’t desire to be treated in a similar
way. If I’m treating him as my own flesh, then I respect, value, prioritize
& honor my spouse by treating them they way they want to be treated, even
if/when it is different than the way I want to be treated. This is selfless
love, a sacrificial love.
The interpersonal skills I refer to in the beginning - the
way in which we communicate, listen, resolve conflict, etc. will most likely
not compare to other marriages we know (since each couple consists of unique
individuals), but the important question to be asked is: is it fruitful,
effective and compatible with our spouse? Are these the areas in which we need
to submit or sacrifice in order to act in love toward our spouse with a godly
love? Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live
peaceably with all.” Is there more we can do to improve our interpersonal
skills that will facilitate living more peaceably with our spouse?
And how about role as manager of the home? Does this
contradict the husband’s role as the head of his wife/leader of the home?
Leader vs. administrator - defined. Delegating authority.
3. Thirdly,
the way in which we respond to our spouse’s sinfulness directly reflects our
understanding of God’s grace and forgiveness for ourselves. If we do not forgive others, then do we not really
understand that salvation, forgiveness and eternal life is a gift - not earned,
but a gift a grace - undeserved? Unforgiveness and bitterness toward others can
be an indication that a person does not really understand grace.
Mt 6:14-15 “For if you
forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive
you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive
your sins.”
Hebrews 12:14-15 “Make
every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no
one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that
no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
These
verses are in the Bible, the inspired Word of God, and should be taken
seriously by all who read them. Accepting Christ’s redemptive blood and the
forgiveness it provides for us means that we recognize that, without God’s salvation,
we are completely incapable of earning God’s favor, much less eternal life. If
we realize we are incapable, then we’re relying solely on His grace. How, then,
can we, who have been pardoned for our sin, refuse forgiveness to another? It’s
the parable of the unmerciful servant in Mt 18:
"Therefore, the
kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his
servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents
was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he
and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he
begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on
him, canceled the debt and let him go. "But when that servant went out, he
found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him
and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. "His
fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I
will pay you back.' "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man
thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw
what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master
everything that had happened. "Then the master called the servant in. 'You
wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged
me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on
you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until
he should pay back all he owed. "This is how my heavenly Father will treat
each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
What we all need is to be confronted with our sin, spouse
included. Sin is what separates us from God and it is more important
for our spouse’s soul to be confronted with the very thing that keeps them from
God than it is to confront them with how they’ve hurt
or offended you. Be more concerned with how your spouse has offended God
than you are with how he’s offended you, because it is his offenses against God
that have eternal repercussions on his soul. Offending you isn’t going to cause them to go to Hell. But their offenses
against God will, unless they receive salvation that is through Christ.
Be concerned about what is actually important. Confront your spouse with that perspective. Confront them the way God confronts us with
our sin. Be the minister of reconciliation we are called to be in scripture (2
Cor 5:11-21). So whether someone is unreconciled with God (2 Cor 5:11-21; Rom
5:9-11; Col 1:19-23; Jas 5: 19), or whether
someone has something against you (Mt 5:23-24), or whether a Christian has
sinned against you (Matthew 18:15-17); or
whether a Christian is caught in a sin (Galatians 6:1-5), it is our biblically mandated job of initiating
reconciliation, just as God has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, in the same way be
considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the
weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
Mt 6:14-15 “For if you forgive men when they sin
against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins,
your Father will not forgive your
sins.
4. Fourthly,
on whom do we rely to meet our needs? When we
let ourselves be led by our fleshly desires and then find ourselves
disappointed and frustrated, toward whom do we direct our anger or frustration?
James
4:1-12 “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this,
that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so
you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not
have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you
ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you
not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever
wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do
you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously
over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? 6 But he gives more
grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the
humble.” 7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he
will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning
and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will
exalt you. Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks
against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges
the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.
12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to
destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”
If our passions are
at war within us, if we have an inner conflict going on, we are trying to serve
two masters (Jas v.1,4).
Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two
masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be
devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”
What other master
are we serving? What idol are we seeking for our fulfillment and satisfaction
instead of God? Ultimately it is the idol of self (pride) (Jas vs.6-10). We’re
seeking our own pleasure instead of God’s pleasure. We’re seeking to serve our
needs and desires instead of God’s will for His glory. God is jealous (v. 5). He will frustrate us when we are seeking
other people or things instead of Him
to fulfill us. This is because He created us in such a way that we are only
able to find true fulfillment, contentment, joy and peace when we are seeking
to be satisfied by Him, alone. And He, alone, can provide these to the fullest.
He will not share His throne because only He is God and is Jehovah Jireh,
Provider!
Jer 29:13 “You will seek me and find
me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
Mt
7:7-11 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and
it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks
finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his
son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish,
will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good
gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give
good things to those who ask him!
We either do not ask
God (v.2), or we ask Him with sinful motives, not abiding in Him (Jas v.3).
John 15:7-10 “If you abide in me, and
my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.
8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to
be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide
in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just
as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love.”
The key of these
verses is to abide in Him by obeying Him (Jas v.10). Should we hope or expect
God to give us whatever we want if what we’re wanting is not good for Himself,
us or others? If we are abiding in Him, we are submitting our will to Him (Mk
14:36), we are seeking His glory, we are renewing our spirit in His Word and
seeking to do His will (Rom 12:1-2).
Rom 12:1-2 “I appeal to you therefore,
brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living
sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do
not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,
that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and
acceptable and perfect.”
5. Fifthly,
we ought to view our marriage through an eternal perspective. We have been
given a purpose on earth. We were created through God and for God. We ought to
seek to understand why we’re here, why God instituted marriage, the effects we
have on unbelievers and younger believers by the way in which we relate with
our spouse, etc.…
Eph 5:2,8-10,15-17 “And walk in love, as Christ loved us and
gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 8 for at
one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children
of light 9 (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right
and true), 10 and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.
15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,
16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.
17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord
is.”
1 Cor 10:31 “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory
of God.”
Col 3:17 “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
Rom 12:1-2 “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to
present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is
your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what
is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
If wives
live their lives in reverence to God, it will have a huge impact.
The word reverence is used in
this 1st verse (below) in the context of all Christians, and the
concept of reverence in the 2nd and 3rd verses (below) are
in the context of marriage.
Eph 5:21-24 “submitting
to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
1 Peter 3:1-6 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any
of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the
behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence
of your lives.”
Eph 5:22-24 “Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For
the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church,
his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so
also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
1 Peter
3:1-6 is about husbands seeing their wives’ reverence for whom? Christ. Whether
a husband is an unbeliever or a believer who is caught in a sin, a wife’s
reverence for God, shown in her submission to her husband, has the ability to
point a husband toward the Lord, even the ability to influence a husband to
receive salvation. That is a lot of influence that a wife’s actions can have.
The way in which our
neighbors and our children perceive our marriage - the way we speak of and to
our spouse, the way we handle conflict, the way we honor or dishonor them, can
either reflect our Living God and attract people to Him or deter people from
Him. When we call ourselves Christian, are we using His name in vain or do we
represent Him accurately and effectively?
How can
we (and how should we, according to
the Bible) go about ministry to unbelievers - formally (as preachers, teachers,
elders, deacons, etc.) or informally (as we have daily interactions with
coworkers, neighbors, family members, etc.) if we do not let them see the love
we have for one another?
1 Tim 3:4-5 “He must manage his own
family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner
worthy of full respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own
family, how can he take care of God’s church?)”
Jn 13:34-35 “A new commandment I
give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will
know that you are my disciples,
if you have love for one another."
Hebrews 12:14-15 “Make every effort to live in peace
with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up
to cause trouble and defile many.”
In conclusion,
What/Who does God tells us in His Word will effectively
equip us?
Hebrews 13:20-21 says, “Now may the God of peace who brought again
from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of
the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his
will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ,
to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.”
See also: Lessons I'm Learning About (my) Marriage ...so far
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