Part
I.
Biblical guidelines for dealing with our emotions.
Don’t
Ignore Your Emotions
God created us – body, soul,
emotions, and all. Naturally, conflict takes a toll on our emotions; however,
we can learn to handle emotions in a way that honors God and properly stewards
our God-given emotions. Throughout scripture we learn that our emotions – when
not kept on a short leash – can get us into a lot of trouble. Emotions are
designed to be restrained (when appropriate) but not ignored. Practicing
self-control helps to keep our emotions from leading us into sin, while
ignoring or hiding them can cause a whole array of other issues.
When it comes to forgiveness, it is possible
to declare forgiveness by our words but then manipulate our offender by
punishing them through our actions. It is also possible to forgive them in
action (in the way in which we interact with them face-to-face) without
actually having forgiveness in our heart. When bitterness from our unforgiveness
is raging inside us but is hidden behind a smile, we’re being dishonest and
insincere. We are lying about our true emotions and attempting to deceive those
around us, possibly even ourselves. When we’ve ignored our emotions long
enough, does time make them disappear? Can we force ourselves to feel
forgiveness if our emotions are still fuming from bitterness?
Let’s look at Christ’s example; how
did He handle his emotions? We see Jesus grieving, so He mourned (Jn 11:35). We
see Him angry, so He turned over the money changers’ tables in the temple (Jn
2:15-16). We see Him so anxious and overwhelmed that His sweat became like
blood and He cried out to God repeatedly (Lk 22:39-46; Mt 26:37-44). Throughout the Bible, we read
that we are not to lie, deceive, bear false witness, or be dishonest or
untruthful. Therefore, we must be honest in the expression and communication of
the emotions we experience while tempering them with love, humility, and
self-control.
A person who has been offended may continue to
experience emotions (hurt, anger, etc.), and God may utilize a period of time
to bring about healing. We should not
expect the pain to automatically disappear as
soon as we submit our resentment to God and decide to
forgive our offender. God can do
anything, including instantly removing every negative emotion we may feel toward
an offender, but He does not always choose to do so. The offended may forgive
the offender, but the emotions may remain for a while. This does not necessarily
mean the offended has not truly forgiven the offender. It can merely mean the offended is human,
created as an emotional being, and is experiencing natural repercussions of the
offender’s sin. A girlfriend who has been physically abused by her unrepentant boyfriend
may forgive him in her heart but no longer desire to marry him and may,
therefore, end the relationship. Lingering emotions are a natural consequence
that can result from sin. Lingering emotions have the potential of affecting one,
several, or every aspect of our lives. Peace will not come from ignoring our
emotions but rather by acknowledging them, practicing self-control in our
expression of them, submitting them to God, and obediently seeking to forgive
in spite of them.
Don’t
be Led by Them, Either
We know that the heart is not
righteous; it is deceitful (Jer 17:9; Gen 8:21). Our natural inclinations of
the flesh are to seek – above all else
– our own happiness and fulfillment. Therefore, when
we allow our emotions to guide us, it is important to beware of the possibility
that we might be serving and worshipping the idol of self. We must not follow
our heart, which is unrighteous, but God, Who is righteous. God’s Word says
righteous responses to evil are to repay evil with good (Rom 12:9-21), to
extend mercy with cheerfulness (Rom 12:8), and to love our enemies and pray for
our persecutors (Mt 5:44). When struggling with hateful, angry, or hurt
emotions, what could be more challenging than extending mercy with
cheerfulness? The remainder of this booklet continues to address this
issue of how we can most effectively respond in love to the one who has offended
us, even if we don’t feel love for
them in our heart. Although there are many ways we can do this, it can be
extraordinarily difficult to do when emotions are
involved. Should we then wait until we feel forgiveness in our heart before we face the
conflict?
Our lingering emotions do not give us
license to remain resentful, judgmental, proud, or vengeful toward any person,
for any reason, at any time. It is not “forgiving” to keep a record of wrongs
or hold on to resentment for past offenses that we bring up over and over again
in order to manipulate our offender (I. Cor 13). Even if we are wronged we
should not be vengeful and wrong someone back (Eph 4:32; Mt 7, Lk 11, the
Lord’s Prayer & many other places throughout scripture). We should never
allow our emotions to lead us to sin (Eph 4:26).
Staying angry with someone and
refusing to deal with your anger can be more damaging to the unforgiving person
than the unforgiven person. Withholding forgiveness for
another person’s sin is a sin in itself, and in doing
so we might be giving Satan a foothold in our life (Eph 4:25-27…).
Christ has set us free from our slavery to sin. With the help of the Holy
Spirit in us, we have a choice to remain free or allow ourselves to become
enslaved again (Gal 5:1). Carrying around the yoke of unforgiveness burdens us
spiritually, emotionally and even physically. God says to, “Forgive as the Lord
forgave you” (Col
Examining Jesus’ life, what inner conflict did He
experience? In Mt 26:37-44 we find a man whose emotions were in conflict with
the path to which God was calling Him. He was “sorrowful and troubled” even to
the point of death. Jesus approached this inner conflict by earnestly
submitting His emotions and request to God, appealing to His heavenly Father to
change the situation. Luke 22:44 describes Jesus, “And being in an agony he
prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling
down to the ground.” Three times He pleaded with God, according to Matthew.
Yet, Jesus surrendered His will to God’s and proceeded in obedience.
Jesus Christ sets the example for us to neither
ignore our emotions nor follow their lead. As it was with Christ, our spirit
may be willing, but our flesh is weak. We can’t just flip the switch and
magically feel differently. If that were possible, certainly Jesus would have
done it. How, then, are we to submit our emotions to God and obey despite our
emotions as Jesus did?
What
to do with Our Emotions
We can start by submitting our
lingering emotions to the Lord and
praying for Him to heal our wounded spirit while
we seek God’s Spirit to soften our proud hearts and change our attitude to one
of forgiveness, mercy, grace and love. (Php 4:5-9; Heb 12:9; Jas 4:5-10). After
all, He is the supplier of all we need for life and godliness (II. Peter 1:3;
Php 4:13; Mt. 6:33-34; II. Cor. 9:8).
This leads us to the next step: We
need to renew our minds by the living and active Word of God (Rom 12:1-2). In
our efforts to be changed into a more Christ-like person, let us again look at
Christ’s example. On the cross, in the epitome of persecution, was Jesus saying
(as we might have been), “Wow, how offensive! What ungrateful, selfish,
marked-for-destruction, depraved jerks!”? No. Instead he said, “Father, forgive
them, for they know not what they do” (Lk 23:34). Jesus’ focus was not on
Himself. Where is our focus? Jesus viewed their sin through God’s perspective.
How can we seek God’s eternal perspective on our present conflict?
Our emotions may resist forgiveness –
and intensely so – if our offender is unremorseful/unrepentant. Renewing our
mind in God’s Word will remind us that it was (and continues to be) God’s kindness
and love for us – while we were still
sinners – that leads us to repent
and to love Him in return (I. Jn 4:19; Rom 2:4; Rom 5:6,8; II. Cor 7:10). We
had not yet recognized our sin and repented of it, yet He died to forgive us
(Rom 5:6,8). Scripture will illuminate for us our depraved state and our
immense need for God’s free gift of undeserved, unearned grace/salvation. This
humbles us and compels us to love Him in return – to feel love for Him and also
love Him in action by repenting of our sin and serving Him with our lives.
Christ’s loving sacrifice and forgiveness are life-changing. Because we are
sinful and continue to sin after our initial repentance, God faithfully
forgives us again and again, often for committing the same sin over and over.
Recognizing the great extent of our sin and, therefore, the great extent of
Christ’s work on the cross is where forgiveness for others begins. The hurt,
anger and other emotions we are feeling because of this horribly offensive
sinner in our life will be drowned out and overshadowed by a new emotion: deep
remorse for our own sin. It is because we have experienced this kind of
unsolicited grace and unearned forgiveness that we are able to extend
Christ-like forgiveness to others (Lk 7:47). Just as we have been forgiven, we
are called by our Forgiver to forgive others, even if it means as many times as
seventy times seven (Mt 18:21-22).
In our weak, sinful flesh, are we
capable of offering this kind of repetitive, unsolicited, or even undeserved
forgiveness? Are we capable of forgiving
(and, in this way, loving) the unlovable? When we do not feel a forgiving
attitude in our heart, sincere forgiveness will not come by wanting it badly
enough. We cannot will it into
existence. It will not happen by trying hard enough. We can forgive in the
sense that we accept the figurative payment of a debt (offense) or accept a
particular punishment to make up for an equivalent offense (i.e. justice being
served). However, undeserved forgiveness is godliness and is beyond our human
capability unless there is the aid of divine intervention. This kind of forgiveness
is not a human capability but a supernatural ability. Fortunately, our Saving God of Grace and Forgiveness is ever-molding
us into His likeness. We have the hope and assurance that God uses suffering to
build our character as he sanctifies us to be more like Him (Rom 5:3-5; Isa
64:8; II. Cor 1:3-7). God uses things like insults, hardships, persecutions,
and calamities to make his grace abound and his power perfect (II. Cor 12:9-10;
9:8). Jesus sacrificed his life to give us life and we are called to give up
our life (…our agenda and desires) in return. When we seek God’s will instead
of our own and seek to live for him, we can be sure to experience trouble,
persecution, frustration… and in this way identify with the suffering of Christ
(Php 3:10-11; I. Pet 4:12-19). These hardships will not separate us from the
love of God but will provide us the opportunity to see His power at work (Rom
8:18-39; II. Tim 1:7). Even as we approach the
conflicts in our life, we get to see God’s power at work in and through us. The
Holy Spirit is at work in our hearts convicting
and sanctifying us to be more like Christ. He reminds us of our depravity and,
in doing so, humbles our hearts (II. Thess 2:13; I. Pet 1:2; Jn 16:8; Jn 14:26).
Humility leads to compassion. Before
we know it, we will begin to identify with the depravity of our offender. God’s
Spirit will remind us that we, too, have been the cause of others feeling hurt
and offended by us at times. When we realize we are no more deserving of God’s
grace, forgiveness, and salvation than our offender, we begin to feel sympathy
and sorrow, even compassion, for the one who has offended us, recognizing that
their sin, which has affected us, is exemplary of the sin that is separating
them from God.
Compassion leads to mercy and
forgiveness. We are called to humbly forgive as Christ forgave us because we,
too, are sinners in need of grace/salvation (Mt 6:14-16). It is a merciful and
humble person who is able to live out Pr 17:9 which says, “He who covers over
an offense promotes love….” However, when the offense is big enough or happens
often enough to interfere with the relationship and our emotions, it will be our
compassion for the offender’s depravity that will compel us to extend mercy. We
do this by offering forgiveness and making an appeal to our offender for reconciliation
– not just with us, but more importantly with God. This is the ministry of
reconciliation, which we, as God’s redeemed, have been given, along with direct
access to God through His Spirit (II. Cor 5:11-21).
Ministry
of Reconciliation
Reconciliation is a (if not the) central theme of the gospel of
salvation and of the Bible, itself. The law was given to differentiate sin from
godliness, to show us our inability to be perfect and, thus, to show us our
need for a savior. Our sin separates us from God, causing us to be unreconciled
with God (Col Col
Differences
Between: Forgiveness, Reconciliation & Repentance
Forgiveness is an
essential part of the process of reconciliation, but it is not the same as
reconciliation. We are called to forgive whether the offender asks for it or
not and whether he/she deserves it or not. Forgiveness can be done by one person alone, even while their offender is still
sinning. Christ set an example for us in that he died for us while we were
still sinners (Rom 5:8). We may forgive someone who has not repented of their
sin or turned away from it. Therefore, our forgiveness for the unrepentant
person does not mean the relationship has been reconciled. When there is
forgiveness, there can be reconciliation, but forgiveness does not always,
necessarily mean the relationship is reconciled.
Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation
Reconciliation means:
restoring the relationship back to the original state of the relationship as if
no conflict had ever occurred. Reconciliation requires two people who work together to restore the relationship.
Christ died to forgive sin, yet we remain separated from (and unreconciled
with) God by our sinful, rebellious state unless
we take part by repenting of our sinful nature (Acts 2:38). Reconciliation
requires repentance.
Repentance is
Holy Spirit-induced conviction (recognition) of guilt combined with Holy
Spirit-induced humility that translates into immense, genuine remorse for sin.
Repentance results in evident transformation in the spirit and in subsequent action,
manifested as the evident act of resisting temptation (seeking to avoid repetition
of the sin) and producing acts of righteousness (fruit of the Spirit). If
subsequent action does not have opportunity to occur (i.e. the thief who died on
the cross next to Jesus, Lk 23:40-43), repentance can be understood as an attitude
or condition of the spirit/heart, where the desire to resist temptation and
glorify God exists and is manifested as the appeal to God for help (i.e. for
forgiveness, salvation, transformation, sanctification).
When we hear the gospel message of
Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for our sin, belief (faith) is accompanied by a
softening of heart (humility) which leads to a repentant spirit. A repentant spirit precedes repentant
action (Acts 26:20; Lk 3:8). Jesus did his part; we have to do our part (which
is actually the work of the Holy Spirit on our hearts) in order to attain
reconciliation with God and salvation from sin. On God’s part it is an action,
on our part it is a God-provoked response. While forgiveness can occur without
repentance, reconciliation, on the other hand, involves both forgiveness and repentance. So forgiveness and
unreconciliation can indeed co-exist.
Forgiveness
+ Repentance = Reconciliation
Forgiveness
+ Unrepentance = Forgiveness without Reconciliation
Here is an example of forgiveness
without reconciliation. If, someone has disowned you, you still have the choice
to not disown them. It may be
tempting to intentionally disown them in return. It may be easy to even
unintentionally disown them in return. Do not assume that just because they
have disowned you, you cannot continue to love them by gently and respectfully
making it clear you do not wish for the relationship to be over. Our example of
this in scripture is the father of the Prodigal son in Lk 15. Despite
disrespect, insult, and rejection, the father had a forgiving heart for his son,
and he stayed watchful, anticipating his son’s return. This did not make them
reconciled. The son still had a role/responsibility in the reconciling process.
Once the son returned in humility and repentance, the father celebrated, and the
reconciliation that had been available to the son all along finally took place.
The Prodigal’s father showed us an example of Pr 17:9, which says, “He who
covers over an offense promotes love…”. What can that watching and waiting for
repentance (and reconciliation) look like in your situation? Perhaps it means
sending gentle, loving reminders of your desire to be reconciled. Perhaps it
means patiently respecting the time and space that has been requested and not
chasing the person down, like the example given by the Prodigal’s father. (More
about this at the end of Part II: Forgiveness Does Not Guarantee
Reconciliation)
Perspective
Change: Conflict Becomes Opportunity
When conflicts arise, we have the opportunity to give
our offender a taste of what God’s forgiveness and reconciliation is like. Forgiving
others for their sin against us presents for them a picture of what Christ did
for us. We get to be an example of God’s forgiveness and reconciliation by the
way in which we respond to the conflict so that the one who has offended/sinned
against us might see Christ in us and begin to understand Christ’s redemptive
work on the cross. We (through our actions and attitudes) present the gospel
message of reconciliation when we offer undeserved forgiveness and seek
reconciliation – reconciliation between
ourselves and our offender . “No one can come to me unless the Father who
sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day” (Jn 6:44). God pursues us and wants us to pursue peace with others. “So then let us pursue
what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding” (Rom 14:19). By extending love and kindness in this way, we are
promoting repentance, just as God’s kindness is what leads us to repentance (Rom
2:4; II. Cor 7:10). We are also showing our offender what Christ has
done for us – extending kindness to our enemies, offering undeserved
forgiveness: “…while we were enemies we were
reconciled to God by the death of his Son (Rom 5:10). We may be provided an
opportunity in the future to verbally
present God’s message of reconciliation – reconciliation
between the offender and God (II. Cor 5:11-21).
Perceiving conflict as an opportunity
for reconciliation, not just for the benefit of our relationship with the
offender, but also for our offender’s eternal benefit, takes “loving our
enemies” to a whole new level. It takes it a step further. It involves a goal
beyond our own relationship with our offender, a goal with eternal implications
– their relationship with God.
We are called in scripture to love
our enemies, to repay evil with good, to pray for and bless those who persecute
us, to exhort and rebuke with humility and authority, and to restore sinners
with gentleness (Mt 5:44; I. Thess 5:15; Rom 12:21; Mt 7:1-5; Tit 2:15; Gal 6:1).
Forgiving and wiping the slate clean (cancelling debt) is what God calls us to
do, as in the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Mt 18:21-35). Do these things
apply only after we’ve forgiven our offender? Perhaps it is while we are praying for those who
persecute us when God might soften our heart toward them and bring peace to our
unsettled emotions. Perhaps it is while
we are loving, blessing, and doing good to our enemies that God advances us
down the road toward humble forgiveness. As we submit, not to our emotions, but to God’s righteous way of living and begin
to walk in obedience to His precepts, we can anticipate God’s redemptive work
in our own hearts.
When we are unable – in our own strength – to
move ourselves to forgive, we have the ability to choose to treat our offender
lovingly, not because we feel love for them in our heart, but because we make
the decision to treat them with love, in the action verb sense of the word (I. Jn
3:18) while God continues to work on our heart (Mt
5:44). This means choosing to act in love despite having a heart that may feel
crushed. Pr 15:12-13 says, “A scoffer does not like to be
reproved; he will not go to the wise. A glad heart makes a cheerful
face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit
is crushed” (parenthesis added). If the offender
is unwilling to pursue reconciliation (a.k.a. closure, peace) by working
through the issues together, it could be difficult for us to find peace in our
crushed spirit because of the array of emotions we are experiencing. Naturally,
we might become guarded and defensive in order to self-protect. Once we have
done all that is within our capability to achieve peace, the rest (when not
coming from cooperation by the offender) can, indeed, be taken care of by God.
Are we looking to find peace from our circumstances or from God? Let us be
encouraged, “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but
in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be
made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all
understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus“ (Php 4:4-7, underline added). Let us trust the Lord to
guard our hearts, while we continue to submit our emotions to Him and aim to do
the good we know we ought to do (Pr 15:13; Jas 4:17; I. Pet 4:1; Php 2). Let us,
like Christ, submit our emotions to God and proclaim, “Nevertheless, not my
will, but yours, be done,” and proceed in obedience to God (Lk 22:42).
Click here to continue to Part 2
Click here to continue to Part 2
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