I had been told Tad had a heart attack, and they took him
away to do an exploratory heart catheterization to see the extent of what was
happening.
In a moment alone (in a waiting room full of people, but...alone in the sense I wasn't talking to anyone at the moment), I began to cry out to the Lord, unable to say
much more than His name.
I know that God's Spirit, our Intercessor, interprets
my tears; He understands the extent of my emotions sooner and more completely
than I even can (Rom 8:26-28; Mt 6:8). Because of this, I can go to Him in prayer
and just rest - rest and release the grief and fear in my heart - rest in the
security of his companionship. Just being with Him, in this way, is a form of
prayer.
I found myself acutely aware of God's omniscience and
omnipotence, His sovereignty and foreknowledge, His eternity and eternal plan,
His goodness and love...knowing He was in complete control over what was
happening to Tad and that He was allowing it and that it was all part of God's
plan.
I also found myself remembering Job, knowing that God is the One with the
control, that He might allow Satan to have his way for a while, but only to the
extent that He allows it and only in the ways He allows it (Job 1:12). All
these things brought me peace.
But while I had peace, there was also the grief and anxiety
of not knowing whether God's plan was to extend Tad's life on earth or to take
him to his eternal home.
These words of Jesus came to mind, ‘"And he said,
‘Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet
not what I will, but what you will’” (Mark 14:36).
So I thought... Even Jesus,
who knew exactly what needed to happen
and what was going to happen,
He still
expressed the desire of His heart
to God ("Remove this cup from me").
Before (& while) submitting the will of His flesh to the will of His Father, EVEN JESUS expressed
the desire of His heart to God, even though He knew that God already knew the
desire of His heart.
So I pleaded with God and put to words the desires of my
heart, knowing that for Tad to be taken home would be the greatest blessing for
Tad.
I shared my desires with God, even though I knew the desires of my heart
are both loving and selfish, pure and fearful (Jer 17:9). But He who created me
understands me and knows me inside & out (Ps 139). In my vulnerability and
desperation, I know I can freely and openly share my whole heart (the good, the
bad & the ugly) with God who knows me completely and loves me anyway.
Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of
grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
