Dating 101
3 Things
1.Significance
of “3”
“3” is a
significant number in the Bible and 3 times in the book of Song of Solomon it
says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
Any time
something is repeated 3x in the Bible, you should pay close attention to it
(the Song of Solomon verses).
·
S.of.S.
2:7 “I adjure
you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of
the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”
·
S.of.S.
3:5 “I adjure
you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the
field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”
·
S.of.S.
8:4 “I adjure
you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken
love until it pleases.”
Php
4:6-7 – Our hearts are guarded by peace, which comes from praying. I prayed for
God to choose my husband and would guard my heart and not let me fall in love
(again) until it was the one who He intended to become my husband. And He did.
Remind
them of our Love Story book that includes all the emails Daddy & I
exchanged as we got to know each other and has Gen 2:22 on the cover (“…and He
brought her to the man”).
2.How
to treat the opposite sex
Treat
females: “…treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all
purity” (1 Tim 5:2).
And treat
males: “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a
father, younger men as brothers”
3.Pray
for your future spouse.
When
you begin to feel drawn toward a particular girl, pray for her.
Pray
about everything:
Php
4:6 “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in
everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests
be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all
understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
You
can pray that God will choose your wife, that He’ll bring her to you, and that
He’ll bring her to you in His perfect timing.
Gen 2:22 “…and he brought her to the man.”
A
guide to help you pray for your future spouse. (See the Appendix at the very end of this document.)
My hope is
that this will be your prayer, that you will have faith to:
·
Trust
God’s choice for you
·
That
He will bring her to you, or have her cross paths with you so you can meet
·
That
He will bring her to you in His perfect timing.
Dating 201
4.
Understanding God’s Design
Male + Female Gen
2:20-24
Female for the Male:
We read Gen 2 (particularly 20-24) about how God
brought each animal to Adam to name. One reason He might have done this is to
give Adam the chance to recognize that each had a female counterpart, and to
realize that he didn’t have a female counterpart for himself. So, God didn’t
pick one of the animals to be his female counterpart, he didn’t pick a tree or
a rock, he created woman to be man’s counterpart. So, we know that a female
human is, by God’s design, the only fitting helper (vs. 18) for a male
human.
Gen 2:20-24 “The man gave names
to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field.
But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So
the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while
he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the
rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a
woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last
is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall
leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh.”
God
could have created Adam & Eve at the same time, like He did with the
animals.
·
Notice
that God did not say that He saw what He’d made and “It was good” after
creating Adam. He wasn’t finished creating, yet.
God
created Adam in a way that he would benefit from having a helpmeet.
·
God
gives special grace to some to resist sexual desire and live their lives fully
dedicated to ministry.
·
This
is the exception, not the general rule of thumb. I believe it’s rare.
·
In
our society today, it’s becoming more common and acceptable to never marry or
marry but not have children.
·
These
are worldly philosophies.
God
designed men to benefit from a helpmeet (woman).
5.
Guarding your heart & mind
Guarding your Heart
& Mind
Consider memorizing Jer 17:9-10 & Pr 4:23
Jer 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and
desperately sick; who can understand it?”
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Calling
yourself a “Christian” doesn’t make you a Christian.
Example:
many Americans think “Christian” is synonymous with American but don’t even
understand what being a Christian means.
Example of
family members who call themselves a Christian but God is not their God, they
are living for and serving themselves and only pray when they need something.
Mk 12:28-31 “And one of the scribes came up and heard
them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked
him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” 29 Jesus
answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our
God, the Lord is one.30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all
your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your
strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor
as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
To believe with your heart is to believe with love
(respond with love) in your heart for God. To believe solely in your mind is no
different than the demons.
Jas 2:19 “You believe that God is one; you do well.
Even the demons believe—and shudder!”
We must be sure we marry someone who doesn’t just
call themselves a Christian but truly loves God with all their heart, mind,
soul, & strength and is seeking to live their life for God. (For more on this, see #11.)
It’s so very important to not trust your heart to lead you
in this decision, but to instead choose, first, with your mind what kind of
person you will allow yourself to spend time with.
·
Once
you start spending a lot of time with someone, you will most likely begin to
have feelings for them. So you need to be wise about choosing who you will
allow yourself to spend time with.
Guarding your Heart by Guarding your
Time
So many Proverbs talk about how great an influence
our friends will have on us, and we, therefore, need to be wise about who we
choose to surround ourselves with.
The
one person who will have the greatest impact on who we become is our spouse,
because they will (& should) be our closest friend of all.
*This is 1 of the main reasons you
should marry another believer. (Part 2 of
this document: 2 reasons God wants us to marry a Christian)
It is nearly impossible for us to keep ourselves
from developing feelings for someone of the opposite sex if we spend a ton of
time with them.
Rom
12:3 “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to
think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober
judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has
assigned.”
So
with humility, we need to not think we are the exception and that while
everyone else might start to develop feelings, surely we won’t. We need to
guard our heart buy guarding how much time we invest in someone, but we also
need to guard their heart.
Example #1 of the guy I foolishly told my
teacher I wouldn’t fall in love with him but just enjoyed hanging out with him.
And then ended up falling in love with him.
Example #2 of the guy I spent too much time with
and knew I’d never love him in a romantic way (although I loved him sincerely
as a friend) but he began to develop feelings for me (without being honest with
me that it was happening). Feelings were hurt.
Some
people teach their kids to make a list of what they want their spouse to be
like.
I was
accused by family members of being really picky and idealistic and having a
long list of perfection I was looking for in a husband. It wasn’t true.
Besides marrying someone who didn’t just call
himself a Christian but truly loved and feared the Lord and was living his life
for Him, I only had 1 other criteria on my mental list for a husband: for me to
be truly in love with him.
(There were
a couple of guys I knew when I was single, who pursued me, and they really were
living for Jesus, and I genuinely, sincerely loved them as a friend, but that
didn’t mean they were the one God had for me; I just didn’t love them in a
romantic way.)
*Until
you meet someone who doesn’t just have a relationship with God and is saved but
someone who is living their life for Jesus and truly have a love for a fear of
God, it is my prayer that you will guard their heart.
6. In
regards to talking about it:
Beware of unfruitful, empty, filthy, foolish, crude talk:
“Therefore
be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in
love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us,
a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.3 But sexual
immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among
you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor
foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but
instead let there be thanksgiving. 5 For you may be sure of
this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous
(that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and
God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of
these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do
not become partners with them; 8 for at one time you
were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of
light 9 (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and
right and true), 10 and try to discern what is pleasing to the
Lord. 11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness,
but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to
speak of the things that they do in secret. 13 But when anything
is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14 for anything that
becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O
sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on
you.” 15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as
wise,16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.17 Therefore
do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord
is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that
is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing
one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making
melody to the Lord with your heart,20 giving thanks always and for
everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus
Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ”
(Eph 5:1-21).
Pr 31: no woman is able to look like that at any 1
phase in her life. The description is not a snapshot of that woman but a
cumulative description of her in all her phases of life.
We’ll study the chapter in #12 but for now let’s
just read 29-31:
Pr 31:29-21 “Many women have
done excellently, but you surpass them all. 30 Charm is
deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is
to be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her
works praise her in the gates.”
Have the kids underline verse 30. In our culture,
this description (vs 10-31) is NOT the kind of woman who gets praised.
7.
To avoid burning with passion:
Know whose your body is:
1.
The body is meant for the Lord; it is a
temple of the Holy Spirit:
“All
things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are
lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. 13 “Food is
meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both
one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality,
but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God
raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his
power. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of
Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a
prostitute? Never! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to
a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two
will become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the
Lord becomes one spirit with him. 18 Flee from sexual
immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the
sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do
you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you
have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with
a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Cor 6:12-20).
2. And
after marriage, while still belonging to the Lord, your body belongs to your
spouse:
“The
husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to
her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own
body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over
his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except
perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to
prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you
because of your lack of self-control”(1 Cor 7:3-5).
“Do
not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon).
Prayer:
For combating sexual temptation and lack of self-control when married as well
as prior to marriage:
“…that
you may devote yourselves to prayer (I. Cor 7:3-5)”
Flee from sexual immorality.
“All
things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are
lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. 13 “Food is
meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both
one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for
the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God raised the
Lord and will also raise us up by his power. 15 Do you not
know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members
of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! 16 Or do you
not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her?
For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But
he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with
him. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person
commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against
his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple
of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your
own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your
body” (1 Cor 6:12-20).
“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil,
and he will flee from you” (Jas 4:7).
Ask God for help!! Like this prayer in our daily prayer journals: God, please help me to (see underlined parts) “For this is the will of
God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual
immorality; that each one of you know how to control (my) his
own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion
of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one
transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord
is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly
warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever (Please help me not to) disregards
this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you” (1
Thess 4: 3,4,6-8).
Know the options:
It glorifies God to do one of two things:
1.
Practice self-control or
2.
Get married so you are free to act on sexual desires with
your spouse.
”To
the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain
single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise
self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn
with passion”(1 Cor 7:8-9).
Begin dating after you become
ready to marry so that you have the option to marry if self-control becomes too
difficult:
“If
anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if
his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let
them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his
heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has
determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well”( 1
Cor 7:36-37).
In regards to the temptation to ask
“How far is too far?”
“…Walk
as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all
that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is
pleasing to the Lord” (Eph 5:8b-10).
Don’t give your “itching ears” (2 Tim 4:3) what they want
to hear (e.g. “it’s not ‘sex’ so it’s okay”).
Sexual activity by any other name is still sexual
activity.
Example: If a partially paralyzed
person can be physically intimate in a way that brings sexual pleasure (even if
it’s not in the way that leads to getting pregnant), why would that kind of
physically intimacy be permissible for 2 people who are not yet married?
8.
In
regards to looking…
“Now
concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my
judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. I think that in view of the present
distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound to
a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife”(1
Cor 7:25-27).
This
is not a command from God but an encouragement from Paul. Why might it be wise
to not look for a spouse?
a. It becomes a habit…a
habit that is hard to break even after you become married.
b.
Instead, you can pray and ask God to provide your spouse.
“And the rib that the Lord God had
taken from the man he made into a woman and
brought her to the man” (Gen 2:22).
“For this is the will of God, your
sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each
one of you know how to control (my) his own body in holiness
and honor, not in the passion of lust like the
Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong
his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these
things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God
has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever
disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to
you” (1 Thess 4: 3,4,6-8)
9.
Learn what marital love is:
Marital love is the most unselfish love there is:
sacrificial love, just as Jesus gave himself up for his church, the husband is
to give up his life for his wife. To sacrifice yourself, your body, your
desires for your spouse is the antithesis of sexual impurity; it is pure, godly
sexual love.
”…but be filled with the
Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and
spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving
thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord
Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even
as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its
Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should
submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives,
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that
he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with
the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in
splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be
holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should
love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are
members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and
mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh.”32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to
Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his
wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph
5:18b-33).
10. Learn what God’s view of oaths/commitments
2 Reasons God wants us to be faithful & not divorce
·
Because
He desires godly offspring
·
Because
marriage is meant to be a witness to unbelievers in order to show them a
picture of Christ and His bride, the church.
What
can we learn about God’s view of marriage, oaths, and commitments from the
following verses?
Mal 2:18-20
“Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union?
And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard
yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the
wife of your youth.”
Eph 5:22-33
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even
as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now
as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything
to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her,
having cleansed her by the washing of water with the
word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in
splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be
holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should
love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are
members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and
mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh.”32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to
Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his
wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Psalm
15 ~ “LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy
hill? He whose walk is blameless and who
does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart, and has no slander
on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his
fellowman, who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the LORD, who
keeps his oath even when it hurts, who lends his money without usury and
does not accept a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will
never be shaken.”
Matthew
23:22 “And he who swears by heaven
swears by God's throne and by the one who sits on it.”
Numbers
30:2 ~ “When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself
by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.”
Psalm
5:6 ~ “You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the Lord
abhors.”
Proverbs
17:20 ~ “A man of perverse heart does not prosper; he whose tongue is deceitful
falls into trouble.”
Eccl
5:4-5
NIV “So when you make a
promise to God, don't delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make
to him. It is better to say nothing than to promise something that you don't
follow through on.”
KJV “ When you
make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools;
fulfill your vow. It is better
not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.”
Mt
5:33-37 “Again, you have heard that it
was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths
you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by
heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by
Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head,
for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your
'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
Vows/oaths
used as contracts - with a way out: (if
God will do this…, then I will do this…)
Gen
28:20-22 “Then Jacob made a vow,
saying, "If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I
am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house,
then the LORD will be my God and this
stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God's house, and of all that you
give me I will give you a tenth."
Others: Num 21:2
/ Judges 11:30 / I.
Sam 1:11 / II Sam 15:8
Gen
24:1-9,66-67 “Abraham was now old and
well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed him in every way. He said to the chief servant in his household, the one in charge
of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh. I want you to swear by the LORD , the God of
heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters
of the Canaanites, among whom I am living,
but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son
Isaac." The servant asked him,
"What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I
then take your son back to the country you came from?" "Make sure that you do not take my son
back there," Abraham said.
"The LORD , the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father's
household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath,
saying, 'To your offspring I will give
this land'-he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my
son from there. If the woman is
unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of
mine. Only do not take my son back there."
So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and
swore an oath to him concerning this matter.” (Abraham left a way out…like a
present day “contract”.)
11.
Seek to understand the importance of a believer marrying another
believer (& the other characteristics of the kind of person God wants you
to marry)
2 Reasons
God wants us to marry a Christian
·
Because
even the wisest man, Solomon, could not help but to be influenced by his
unbelieving wife, who “turned his heart after other gods.”
·
Because
if you marry an unbeliever, at some point you will very likely yearn to NOT be
married to him or her but are called, biblically, to remain married to them
(unless they divorce you).
·
Because
He desires godly offspring
True Belief:
1.
To
not believe in God
2.
To
believe in your mind (Jas 2:19)
3.
To
believe in your mind & heart (Rom 10:9-10; Mk 12:30)
I. Cor 2:14 “The natural person does not accept the
things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not
able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned.
2 Cor 6:14
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership
has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with
darkness?”
Ezra 10:11
“Now honor the Lord, the God of your ancestors, and do his
will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign
wives.”
I. Kings 11:4
“As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other
gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his
God, as the heart of David his father had been.”
Dt. 11:16
“Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods
and bow down to them.”
Neh 13: 26-27
“Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel
sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by
his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he was led into
sin by foreign women. Must we hear now that you too are doing all this
terrible wickedness and are being unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign
women?”
I. Cor 15:33
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
II. Tim 2:22
“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith,
love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure
heart.
Gal 6:1
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by
the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves,
or you also may be tempted.”
Pr 14:7 “Leave the presence of a fool, for there
you do not meet words of knowledge.”
Pr 13:20
“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools
will suffer harm.”
1 Cor 1:18-20
“For the word of the cross is folly to those who are
perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of
God. For it is written, ‘I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the
discernment of the discerning I will thwart.’ Where is the one who is wise?
Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made
foolish the wisdom of the world?”
II. Tim 3:1-5
“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times
of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of
money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents,
ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without
self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous,
reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers
of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its
power. Avoid such people.
Dt 7:3-4 “Do
not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take
their daughters for your sons, 4 for they will turn your children
away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will
burn against you and will quickly destroy you.”
I. Cor 7:12-13,15
“To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who
is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce
her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to
live with her, she should not divorce him. … But if the unbelieving
partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not
enslaved. God has called you to peace.”
I. Cor 7:16
“ For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your
husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”
Mal 2:18-20
“Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union?
And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard
yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the
wife of your youth.”
12.
Search scripture to learn how to recognize the kinds of women God warns
about in the Bible (& how the description contrasts with the
characteristics of a godly, God-fearing woman)
One
who ponders the path of life and knows when her ways wander, Tempts with
seductive and persuasive speech, Does not follow God’s path/will
Pr 5:3-6
“For the lips of a forbidden[a] woman drip honey,
and her speech[b] is smoother than
oil,
4 but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to[c] Sheol;
6 she does not ponder the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
One
who dresses immodestly, is wily (manipulative/deceitful), loud, wayward (wild,
out of control & up to trouble/mischief), asserts extramarital, unwarranted
sexual advances
Pr 7:10
“And behold, the woman meets him,
dressed as a prostitute, wily of heart.
11 She is loud and wayward;
her feet do not stay at home;
12 now in the street, now in the market,
and at every corner she lies in wait.
13 She seizes him and kisses him,
and with bold face she says to him,
Tempts
with seductive and persuasive speech
Pr 7:21
“With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth
talk she compels him.
See
also Pr 16 (compare sinfully persuasive speech to God-honoring persuading
speech in Pr 16)
Malachi 2:11-16 “Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD
loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. 12 As for the man who does
this, whoever he may be, may the LORD cut him off from the tents of Jacob -even
though he brings offerings to the LORD Almighty. 13 Another thing you do: You
flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays
attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14
You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness
between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her,
though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. 15 Has not the
LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he
was seeking godly offspring. So guard
yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 16
"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "…says the LORD
Almighty. So guard yourself in your
spirit, and do not break faith.”
II Corinthians 6:14-16 "Do not be yoked
together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in
common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and
Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of
God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:
"I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and
they will be my people."
*Yoked
refers to any kind of finding relationship or agreement.
Colossians 1:17 “He is before all things, and in him all
things hold together.”
Ecclesiastes 4:12 “Though one may be overpowered, two can
defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Gen 2:23-24
“The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and
they will become one flesh.”
How
can you be "one flesh" if the spiritual goals are incompatible?
Matthew 12:25
“Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, "Every kingdom divided
against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against
itself will not stand.”
I Cor 7:39
“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband
dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.”
I Tim 2:1-2 “I urge, then, first of all, that
requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone…that we
may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.”
and...
Hebrews 12:14
“Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without
holiness no one will see the Lord."
If a
believer & unbeliever marry, there would be discord, a disconnect instead
of peace; and an unbelieving husband would not be unified, working toward the
same goal - of godliness and holiness.
I. Peter 3:1,2 “Wives, in the same way be
submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word,
they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they
see the purity and reverence of your lives."
How
much harder would it be to live pure & reverent lives if not equally yoked!
I Cor 7:16
"How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how
do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" the end of that verse goes on to say in v.28
"But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to
spare you this.” How much many more & worse troubles if the marriage is
spiritually divided!
I. Corinthians 2:14 ~ “The man without the
Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they
are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are
spiritually discerned.
I Peter 4:1-19 “Therefore, since Christ suffered in his
body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered
in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his
earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. For you
have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do--living in
debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. They
think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation,
and they heap abuse on you. But they will have to give account to him who is
ready to judge the living and the dead. For this is the reason the gospel was
preached even to those who are now dead, so that they might be judged according
to men in regard to the body, but live according to God in regard to the
spirit. The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and
self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another
without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve
others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone
speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves,
he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may
be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and
ever. Amen. Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are
suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that
you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when
his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you
are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it
should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as
a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise
God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the
family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who
do not obey the gospel of God? And,
"If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly
and the sinner?" So then, those who suffer according to God's will should
commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.”
It
would not be unlikely for a believer to suffer in similar ways (maybe not right
away, but eventually) if marrying an unbeliever.
Compare
with Pr 31
Pr 31: no woman is able to look like that at any 1
phase in her life. The description is not a snapshot of that woman but a
cumulative description of her in all her phases of life.
Pr 31:10-31 “An excellent wife who can
find? She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of
gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for
her household and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she
plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms
strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does
not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands
to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household
are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing
is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the
elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes
to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time
to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is
on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the
bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he
praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them
all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty
is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her
hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
Eph 5
describes the roles of a husband & a wife and the kind of character God
wants each of us to have.
Eph 5:21b-33 “…submitting to one another out of reverence for
Christ.22 Wives, submit
to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is
the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed
her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that
he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or
wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without
blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as
their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one
ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does
the church, 30 because we are members of his
body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold
fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”32 This mystery
is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the
church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as
himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Titus 2 helps us determine if a person is headed in
that direction as they grow older. It’s important to be the kind of
person that person would want to be with.]
Tit 2:1-10 “But as for you, teach what accords
with sound doctrine. 2 Older men are to be sober-minded,
dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in
steadfastness. 3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in
behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach
what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands
and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at
home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of
God may not be reviled. 6 Likewise, urge the younger men to be
self-controlled. 7 Show yourself in all respects to be a model
of good works, and in your teaching show
integrity, dignity, 8 and sound speech that cannot be
condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to
say about us. 9 Bondservants are to be submissive to their own
masters in everything; they are to be well-pleasing, not
argumentative,10 not pilfering, but showing all good faith, so
that in everything they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior.”
Assignment:
Take notes from these verses by making a list for men (goals for men) and a separate
list for women (characteristics of a godly woman). Write out or copy/paste
phrases from Pr 31, Eph 5 and Tit 2 into the 2 lists.
APPENDIX
#3: Pray for your future spouse
(Copied from Wednesday’s daily prayer topic: Friendship/Future Spouse)
1. God,
please help me to let friendships
with the opposite sex will be just that: friendship.
a.
At this stage in my life, You desire for me
to have a friend-type manner of a relationship with the opposite gender, so
please help me to embrace and submit to YOU and seek only that form of
relationship and nothing more intimate and adult-natured at this point.
2. Please
help me to treat male adults, children, and peers as fathers and brothers…
Please help
me to treat female adults, children, and peers as mothers and sisters, in
all purity.
“Do not rebuke an older man but
encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older
women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim 5:1-2).
3. God, please give me wisdom and insight
into how our culture promotes a habit of always “looking” for/at the
opposite gender.
·
It is
tempting, please help me fight hard against it.
·
It is
common, please help me fight hard to resist.
·
It is
encouraged and promoted by media and grandparents and culture and friends,
so please give me the discernment to know how difficult
this unwise and ungodly habit/addiction will be to break once I’m engaged
and married.
·
Please
protect me from ever forming this habit so that it is not a struggle I have to
fight against in marriage.
Boys: Lord,
please give me the grace, supernatural ability, and willingness to both understand
and submit to 1 Cor 7:27 “…Do not seek a wife.” Even if I don’t
understand why, help me to trust you, Lord, and be willing to submit to you in
this.
Lydia: Lord,
please give me the grace, supernatural ability, and willingness to both understand
and submit to 1 Cor 7:27 “…Do not seek a (husband).” Even if I don’t
understand why, help me to trust you, Lord, and be willing to submit to you in
this.
“Now
concerning the betrothed, I (Paul) have no command from the Lord, but
I give my judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy
is trustworthy. …Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are
you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife” (I Cor 7:25,27).
4. Boys: God, please provide my wife to me in the
same way you did for Adam in that you brought her to him (Gen
2:22 “…and brought
her to the man.”). Please
choose my wife for me. Please provide who
You’ve chosen, when
You’ve pre-determined the right time to be. Please help me to trust Your
timing for introducing my wife to me and please give me the patience I
need to wait until then.
Lydia:
God, please
provide my husband to me just as you brought Adam’s spouse to him (Gen
2:22 “…and brought
her to the man.”). Please
choose my husband for me. Please provide who You’ve chosen, when You’ve pre-determined the right time to be.
Please help me to trust Your timing for introducing my husband to me and
please give me the patience I need to wait until then.
5. In a similar way as Abraham, who was involved
in the process of choosing a spouse for Isaac, and Isaac was involved in the
process of finding Jacob’s spouse, please help me to trust You are able to
and willing to lead my parents in the decisions about dating rules. Please
help me to trust that You chose them to be my parents and can give
them insight into the kind of person I should and should not marry.
Gen 24
(Abraham/Isaac); Gen 28 (Isaac/Jacob)
6.
Please
be working in the life of my future spouse:
·
Boys: Please
show/teach my future wife her true identity (who You say she is).
·
Lydia: Please show/teach my future husband his true identity
(who You say he is).
·
Please
bless my future spouse with true solid Christian fellowship.
·
Please
protect the sexual purity of my future spouse, both physically AND mentally.
7.
Boys:
Please be working in me and molding me into an Eph 5 husband.
Lydia: Please be working in me and molding me into
an Eph 5 wife.
8.
Boys: Please
give me the humility to
understand I was created to benefit from a helpmeet. Help me to grow in
humility so that I will accept – even seek – help through my future wife.
Lydia:
Please enable
me to submit to my future husband as unto You, God (in the same way I
ought to submit to You, God).
“…but be
filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns
and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving
thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord
Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the
husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church,
his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their
husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having
cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that
he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or
wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In
the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but
nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the
church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man
shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall
become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it
refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love
his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband”
(Eph 5:18b-33).
9. Please help me to (see underlined parts) “For this is the will of God, your
sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each
one of you know how to control (my) own body in holiness
and honor, not in the passion of lust like the
Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong
his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these
things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God
has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever (Please help me not to)
disregard(s) this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit
to you” (1 Thess 4: 3,4,6-8)
10. Pr
4:23 (NIV) says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows
from it.” ESV reads, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the
springs of life.” God, please help me to guard my heart so that I do not
fall in love until I’m ready to get married.
